Tag Archives: Christ Life

Entering His Rest

15 Monday Nov 2021

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I’ve been studying The Epistle to the Hebrews using, among other references, Andrew Murray’s “Holiest of All: A Commentary on the Book of Hebrews”.  I quoted from it last week and have decided to do so again this week.  I have not moved much beyond Chapter Thirty-One which is entitled “Rest from Works”.  I understand the truth of “it is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me” (Galatians 2:20) but living this truth out in my day to day life is a challenge. It is I who gets up every morning, gets ready, and then goes to work.  I am the one people are interacting with every day.  I hold on to that awareness of Christ in me but it is I who gets tired, it is I whose feelings get hurt, and it is I who is tempted to lose her temper.  I am diligent to enter into His rest and do not want to fail to do so through disobedience (Hebrews 4:11), but how do I do it?  What does it look like?

In order to enter His rest I must first see it and the only way to see it is to have the Holy Spirit open my eyes and to show me, as Andrew Murray says; “Jesus as our Joshua, who has entered into God’s presence, who sits upon the throne as High Priest, bringing us in living union with Himself into that place of rest and of love and, by His Spirit within us, making that life of heaven a reality and an experience”.  At the end of Chapter Thirty-Two which is Andrew Murray’s exposition on Hebrews 4:11, he says; “Jesus said, ‘Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls’ (Matthew 11:29).  It was through meekness and lowliness of heart that Jesus found His rest in God.  He allowed God to be all, trusted God for all-the rest of God was His abode.  He invites us to share HIs rest and tells us the secret.  In the meekness and lowliness of Jesus is the way to rest.”

I understand.  I fix my eyes on Jesus.  I take His yoke and am lead by Him.  I learn of Him.  I know this to be true but neither can I deny I don’t always manage to perfectly live my life out of His.  Learning of Him is a process.  I have heard many teachers speak of this life in Jesus as a process but don’t think anyone described it as well as Andrew Murray.  In his chapter notes at the end of Chapter Thirty-One, he says; “’Not I, but Christ” (Galatians 2:20 KJV).  This is the rest of faith in which a man rests from his works.  With the unconverted man it is “Not Christ, but I.”  With the feeble and slothful Christian, “I and Christ: I first, and Christ to fill up what is wanting.”  With increasing earnestness it becomes, “Christ and I: Christ first, but I still second.”  With the man who dies with Christ it is, “Not I, but Christ:’ Christ alone and Christ all.”  He has ceased from his work: Christ lives in Him.  This is the rest of faith.”  This description arrested me and I’ve spent a couple of weeks now pondering it.

I can’t remember ever being unconverted and being in the “Not Christ, but I” mindset. My family moved a lot and church attendance was sporadic but my Mom made sure I was taught of the Lord. In terms of works, there are times I have acted selfishly and have been rebellious but I don’t remember ever thinking I could do whatever I liked because there was no God.

I spent way too much time in the “I and Christ: I first, and Christ to fill up what is wanting” mindset.  I thought it was right. As I got older, life got more structured, and I started regularly attending church, I was taught this was how the Christian life worked. The Bible laid out what my works were to be, I did them, and Jesus would bolster me when my strength failed. There were so many times when I “stepped out in faith” believing for my healing and every time I crashed and burned.  This, of course, meant I was double minded, had doubted, and thus Jesus couldn’t heal me.  My failure was proof I didn’t have enough faith because; couldn’t I do all things through Christ who strengthened me?  If He wasn’t strengthening me, then I had failed somewhere.  I knew of no alternative though because “faith without works is dead” (James 2:17) so I had to keep on. 

I find a perfect description of how I felt in Andrew Murray’s book.  Speaking of Christians, he says: “Their life is one of earnest effort and ceaseless struggling.  They long to do God’s will and to live to His glory.  Continued failure and bitter disappointment is their too frequent experience.  Very often, as the result, they give themselves up to a feeling of hopelessness: ‘It will never be otherwise.’  Theirs is truly the wilderness life-they have not entered into God’s rest.”

What a joy to see that it is not “I and Christ” and “Christ to fill up what is wanting”!  How I rejoice that He has shown me that I live by His life, His faith, His guidance, His strength.  I enter His rest and it is made a reality within me by His Spirit.  Since I know this is my reality, I had difficulty understanding what Andrew Murray meant by “Christ and I: Christ first, but I still second.”  Surely not.  I had ceased from my works and was utterly submitted to Christ.  I was already living in the “Not I but Christ” mindset, wasn’t I?  Yes and no.  I got to thinking of some recent experiences and, in remembering them, I think I have come to an understanding of what Andrew Murray means by “Christ and I: Christ first, but I second.”

While I would like my circumstances to be different, I cannot be sorry for them.  They have been the vehicle through which God has revealed Himself to me.  When He is ready, He will change them and, until then, so be it: I am submitted to the Spirit of God living within me.  I do that which He has put in my hands to do and serve those He has put in my life to serve.  Then there comes the moment when the person I’m delighting to serve overlooks the hundred things I have done and comes up with a hundred and first that I have not.  They are a little disappointed-not much, mind you-but still disappointed that I didn’t even think of the one thing that was most important to them which I ought to have done if I really cared about them.  They are disappointed and maybe a little hurt. 

Here is where I feel the “Christ first, but I second”.  Having just been blindsided, I am angry.  All the past hurts and put downs I’ve let go come rushing back.  The moment I can get by myself, I lay it all before God.  Does He hear how this person talks to me?  Does He see how I am treated?  I do not serve to be thanked-I do all things as unto the Lord-but neither has He called me to be a doormat.  When is it time to shake the dust off my feet and move on to better things?  I am submitted to Him.  I listen for His voice and strive to obey in all things, but don’t my feelings matter?  Christ first, but I second?

No.  Not I at all but Christ and He alone.  My feelings do matter and because I know He loves me and they matter, I can take my hurt and seething rage and pour it out to Him.  He listens, He soothes, and then He invites me to enter into His thoughts and feelings.  He shows me the situation from His perspective where I matter so much He gave His life for me just as He gave His life for the person who has wronged me.

I know who I am in Christ.  I know what I am worth because of what Jesus has done.  No one can affect this truth.  There are many who don’t know and I am to live the reality of “Not I but Christ” every moment, no matter what.  I am to see that what He did for me, He did for everyone else.  He loves the person who has hurt me just as much as He loves me.  I choose not to allow my Self to rule.  I remember that I am not only crucified with Christ but risen with Him.  Everything He has He gives to me.  My life is hid in His.  It is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me.  I exchange the wilderness life of my own works for the rest life in which God does His perfect work.  Jesus came to give it.  His rest is mine.

All scripture quotes are from:

The New King James Version of The Holy Bible, Thomas Nelson, Inc., Nashville, Tennessee, 1982

All Andrew Murray quotes are from:

Murray, Andrew, Holiest of All: A Commentary on the Book of Hebrews, Whitaker House, New Kensington, Pennsylvania, 1996, 2004, Chapters Thirty-One and Thirty-Two, Pages 163-170

Relationship Not Religion

08 Monday Nov 2021

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I follow a Facebook page called “A.W-Tozer: A Man of God”; a page that is, as you would expect, devoted to A.W. Tozer’s writings.  The page recently shared a quote from A.W. Tozer’s “That Incredible Christian” which caught my attention.  The quote references 2 Corinthians 8:5: “And not only as we had hoped, but they first gave themselves to the Lord, and then to us by the will of God” and then goes on to say:

“Before the judgment seat of Christ my service will be judged not by how much I have done but by how much I could have done.  In God’s sight my giving is measured not by how much I have given but by how much I could have given and how much I had left after I made my gift.  The needs of the world and my total ability to minister to those needs decide the worth of my service.

“Not by its size is my gift judged, but by how much of me there is in it.  No man gives at all until he has given all.  No man gives anything acceptable to God until he has first given himself in love and sacrifice…

 “In the work of the church the amount one man must do to accomplish a given task is determined by how much or how little the rest of the company is willing to do.  It is a rare church whose members all put their shoulder to the wheel.  The typical church is composed of the few whose shoulders are bruised by their faithful labors and the many who are unwilling to raise a blister in the service of God and their fellow men.  There may be a bit of wry humor in all this, but it is quite certain that there will be no laughter when each of us gives account to God of the deeds done in the body.” 

What?  What is A. W. Tozer saying here?  It’s difficult to tell what his material point is without reading “That Incredible Christian” in its entirety.  As it’s not in The Essential Tozer, which is the book I currently have on my shelf, I’ll have to find a copy and may perhaps due a follow-up.  What I am going to address in this week’s post is how this excerpt left me feeling empty and anxious and with the idea that no matter what I did it was never going to be enough for God.  There was nothing in these words that tasted of the Fruit of the Spirit and I couldn’t help but compare them to words I had just read in Andrew Murray’s “Holiest of All: A Commentary on the Book of Hebrews”.

Andrew Murray is commenting on Hebrews 4:9-10 which states: “There remaineth therefore a Sabbath rest for the people of God.  For he that is entered into His rest hath himself also rested from his works, as God did from His.”

Andrew Murray then goes on to say: “It is this resting from their own work that many Christians cannot understand.  They think of it as a state of passive and selfish enjoyment, of still contemplation that leads to the neglect of the duties of life and unfits for that watchfulness and warfare to which Scripture calls.  What an entire misunderstanding of God’s call to rest!  As the Almighty, God is the only Source of power.  In nature, He works all.  In grace, He waits to work all, too, if man will but consent and allow.  Truly to rest in God is to yield oneself up to the highest activity.  We work, because He works in us to will and to do.  As Paul said of himself, “I labour…, striving according to his working, which worketh in me mightily (literally, “agonizing according to His energy who energizes in me with might” [Colossians 1:29]).  Entering the rest of God is the ceasing from self-effort and the yielding up of oneself in full surrender of faith to God’s working.”

What a difference I find in these two quotes!  I find they’re a perfect example of what I mean when I say “relationship not religion”.  I stick fast on A. W. Tozer’s words:”Before the judgment seat of Christ my service will be judged not by how much I have done but by how much I could have done.”  These words are correct if all we have are rules, regulations, the idea that we earn our place in the Kingdom of God through our works, and the deep fear that nothing we do is going to be enough.  I don’t find any joy in the A. W. Tozer quote, no trust in a relationship with God, and no rest.

Rest is the focus of the Andrew Murray quote. That rest is found in Christ and we rest because we trust the relationship we have with the Father, in Jesus Christ, through the Holy Spirit.  How can there be anything but joy once we know this?  All the scriptures that speak of our works being proof of who we are as Christians are not referencing works we do in order to prove we are Christians.  Rather, because of who we are in Christ, because we live in union with Him, because the Holy Spirit lives in us and is a fountain of living water, we can’t help but produce works.  Our works are the fruit of His life in us. 

I am not afraid that there will come a day when God judges me by how much I could have done.  Ever.  I know Him, I trust Him, and I trust the words He has spoken through the writers of the scriptures are true.  I trust that “He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ” (Philippians 1:1).  I trust that “it is God which worketh in you to will and to do of His good pleasure” (Philippians 2:13).  I trust that “we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them” (Ephesians 2:10).  I trust that His word still stands and will not return unto Him void but it shall accomplish that which He pleases, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto He sends it (Isaiah 55:11, paraphrased from the KJV). 

Amen.  So be it.

The A. W. Tozer quote was taken from the A. W. Tozer-A Man of God Facebook post dated Saturday, November 6, 2021.  That quote is referenced as being from “That Incredible Christian, 105”.

The Andrew Murray quote was taken from his book “Holiest of All: A Commentary on the Book of Hebrews”, Whitaker House, New Kensington, Pennsylvania, 1996, 2004, Chapter Thirty-One Rest From Works, Page 164

All scriptures are quoted from The Authorized King James Version of The Holy Bible, Thomas Nelson, Inc., 2003  

Holier Than Thou

25 Monday Oct 2021

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“You think you’re better.”

I have been remembering two times in my life when I have had this accusation leveled at me.  I was sixteen the first time and was a shy and introverted new student at a new school.  I have mentioned enduring bullying and how books were an escape for me.  After a time, I didn’t need a book.  I could build stories in my own mind-some of them I even attempted writing down-and had acquired the habit of shifting into my thought world any time my attention wasn’t required.  I had done so at this time and only returned to the present moment when another student said my name and then said “you think you’re better than everybody.” 

I was shocked.  This student barely knew me.  I’d only been at the school a few months: how could he possibly say such a thing?  Fury came hard on the heels of shock.  How dare he!  Who did he think he was to presume to tell me what I was thinking!  I said nothing-I couldn’t speak-but any hope of friendship died in that moment.  It was true that I barely knew him as well but he’d proven himself to be untrustworthy and any good opinion I might have had was lost forever.  It was so lost that many years later a co-worker recognized the name of the school and asked if I remembered this student.  I hadn’t thought of him in years but it all came rushing back.  That moment.  Those words.  Those words spoken in front of others and my public humiliation.  Oh yes, I remembered.  My face must have reflected how I felt because this co-worker never brought it up again.

I was once more shocked but this time shocked at how angry I still was.  It was a cold anger and perhaps resentment would be a better word.  That student was frozen in that moment in my mind.  No matter who he was, how he’d grown, what he’d learned in the ensuing years, he was still the one who had falsely accused and embarrassed ME.  I went immediately to God and offered it all up: the student, my feelings, all the unforgiveness I hadn’t known I was holding, it all was placed in the hands of The Father.

I believe the meeting with the co-worker was a divine meeting so that I would see this, offer it all up to the Lord, and the situation would be immersed in the cleansing, redeeming blood of Jesus.  There was no longer any buried resentment to fuel my reactions and I was soon to be grateful for that.  Because, only a short time later, this accusation would be leveled at me again.  This time the words were, “you think you’re better than me,” and the words came from a close family member.  They cut far deeper than the words of that student so long ago because they came from someone I loved. 

 By the time I faced this accusation, I was well into my walk with Jesus and was experiencing tremendous upheaval.  I was seeing Him in a way I never had before and old behaviors were dropping away.  I was figuring out how to live this life in Christ and how to live it in the midst of others.  My loved one made a joke I simply could not laugh at and thus the accusation.  I did try to explain that I was different because Jesus was making me different, that I knew very well I was superior to no one, that I meant no offence, but it was to no avail.  Meetings with this family member became more and more difficult: when I did not laugh at jokes, when I refused to listen to certain music or watch certain television shows, when I would not repeat derogatory things about other people, I was proving I thought I was better.  Not only that, I was being outright disrespectful and, ultimately, my family member cut off all contact with me.

I do not share this in some false humility that really intends to show how great of a Christian I am.  Neither do I deny there are Christians who have a “Holier Than Thou” attitude.  Let us leave them to the Lord.  My struggle is this:  as I shared last week, I am one who is called to come out be separate while still living in the midst of those who not only don’t believe but want nothing to do with Jesus.  I have no wish to offend anyone but neither can I compromise this life I now live in Christ Jesus.  How then do I live?

One of my Bible Teachers said the meaning of separate is more akin to “distinct” than it is “apart”.  I looked it up to be sure.  The Greek word is aphorizo (G873) and it means “to set off by boundary”.  I suppose either “distinct” or “apart” can be seen here but, the more I meditated on it, the more I thought I understood what my Bible Teacher was saying.  Consider, if you will, that the “boundary” mentioned here symbolizes the person of Jesus Christ.

Jesus has the preeminence.  I do not live separate from the world so much as I live separated unto Him.  In Him, it is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me.  I am joined to Him and thus of one Spirit with Him.  Because I am in Him, I am a new creation.  My life is hidden with Christ in God and in Him I live and move and have my being.  (Galatians 2:20, 1 Corinthians 6:17, 2 Corinthians 5:17, Colossians 3:3, Acts 17:28)  He forms a boundary around me and nothing gets to me but what it also touches Him.  This truth is what I hold on to every moment of my life, in whatever situation I find myself in.  It is the only identity I allow to define me.   

This identity makes me special only because I am in Jesus Christ.  I am not in Him because I am special.  I have done nothing to earn it.  I did not even seek God on my own: He revealed Himself to me.  He is the one who called me and laid His hand on me.  It was His goodness that opened my eyes and caused me to want to exchange my mind for His.  I only love Him because He first loved me and revealed that love to me in and through His Spirit.  In my flesh there dwells nothing good and it is He alone who directs my heart into love of God and patience of Christ.  (Matthew 11:27, Romans 2:4, 1 John 4:19, Romans 5:5, Romans 7:18, 2 Thessalonians 3:5)  All of this is for me!  All of this is for everyone else.

There are so many scriptures that state God is the God of all peoples, where He has promised all the nations of the earth shall be blessed, that He wills all men to be saved.  Here are three I must share: “For by Him all things were created that are in heaven and that are on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or principalities or powers.  All things were created through Him and for Him.  And He is before all things and in Him all things consist” (Colossians 1:16-17).  “But this Man, after He had offered one sacrifice for sins forever, sat down at the right hand of God” (Hebrews 10:12).  “For of Him and through Him and to Him are all things, to whom be glory forever” (Romans 11:36). 

Again, these are a mere handful of scriptures but they ought to put to rest the idea that any believer has the right to think he or she is better than anyone else.  God gave His Son because He loved the world.  When I know how much He loves me, I can begin to understand how much He loves the world.  I can act in no other way towards people while, at the same time, I do not seek to take part in anything that does not reflect the heart of God.  This being so, what can I do when and if someone accuses me of thinking I’m better? 

I live my life from Jesus Christ living in me by His Spirit.  Doing so is a learning process and I am not so arrogant to think I act perfectly in everything I do, despite my desire to do so.  I humble myself before the God who loves me and ask Him if there is any truth in the accusation.  I ask Him to purify me in the fire that He is and burn out all the dross that keeps me from being His perfect reflection.  I offer any apology I owe to the one I have wronged.  If the accusation is false and I owe no apology, then I rejoice!  It means Jesus has been recognized in me and I am blessed to be excluded for His sake! (Luke 6:22)

Hallelujah!  Hallelujah!  Amen.

Unless noted otherwise, scriptures are quoted from the New King James Version of the Holy Bible, Thomas Nelson, Inc. 1982

References:

Strong, James, LLD., S.T.D., The New Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible, Thomas Nelson Publishers, Nashville, Tennessee, 1990

A Life Beyond Compare

18 Monday Oct 2021

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This life lived abiding in Jesus Christ is beyond compare.  The fact that I live in fellowship with The Father, in Jesus Christ, through the Holy Spirit leaves me speechless.  The fact that this life is possible because the Father wills it so makes me rejoice in humility.  And yet, this life can be frustrating.  There are so many things I don’t understand and answers to my questions do not come all at once.  I often quote Philippians 1:6 to myself: “being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.”  I am confident that the will and purpose of God will be worked out in me but I am not always patient with the process. 

I’ve had some difficult times over the past several months.  I couldn’t put into words how I felt.  I was angry certainly but at the same time broken-hearted.  I also felt isolated.  There were communities I longed to be part of but, as I listened to what they were saying, I knew I could not.  It wasn’t until today when I came across Jeremiah 15:17 that I understood what I was feeling.  This passage states, “I sat not in the assembly of those who make merry, nor did I rejoice; I sat alone because Your [powerful] hand was upon me, for You have filled me with indignation” (Amplified). 

Indignation.  I thought this was a good word to sum up what I was feeling but I looked it up in the dictionary to be sure.  My Webster’s New World Dictionary gives this definition of indignation: “scorn resulting from injustice, ingratitude, or meanness; righteous anger.”  Yes, this is exactly what I have felt.  And, I have sat alone.  Doors have closed all about me and I didn’t understand why.  And then, this week, I had an experience where the same thing kept cropping up.  It was mentioned to me, then it popped up in a newsletter, then someone else mentioned it, then I was sent an email…: six times over the past week this thing was mentioned and, each time, I grew more and more indignant.  Not one of those sources shared my indignation.  I went to God and asked Him if I was overreacting.

I am not.  I remembered the word translated “church” in the New Testament is ekklesia (G1577).  It means “a calling out”.  I was also remembering two portions of scripture and kept repeating them to myself.  One was “Come out from them and be separate,” and the other was “touch not the unclean thing.”  I did not remember these were parts of the same passage:  2 Corinthians 6:17.  For a bit of the context, I’ll start in verse 14: “Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers.  For what fellowship had righteousness with lawlessness?  And what communion has light with darkness?  And what accord has Christ with Belial?  Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever?  And what agreement has the temple of God with idols?  For you are the temple of the living God.  As God has said: “I will dwell in them and walk among them.  I will be their God.  And they shall be My people.” Therefore, “Come out from among them and be separate, says the Lord.  Do not touch what is unclean, and I will receive you.  I will be a Father to you and you shall be My sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty” (verses 14-18).

I have often heard this passage quoted to mean “unequally yoked” is a warning against marrying someone who doesn’t share the same faith.  I see it more as a warning for everyday life.  It is practically impossible to reach a goal if I’m trying to get there with someone determined to head in the opposite direction.  No, I take Jesus’ yoke and heed His calling to come out and be separate.  I do not mean I go live in a cave like a hermit (though there are times I wish I could!): I am separate while remaining in the world.  (See 1 Corinthians 5:9-10).  Jesus Himself prays “I have given them Your word; and the world has hated them because they are not of the world, just as I am not of the world.  I do not pray that You should take them out of the world, but that You should keep them from the evil one.  They are not of the world, just as I am not of the world” (John 17:14-16).

I look at these scriptures and understand what they are saying but how then do I live?  What does it mean to be separate while still in the world?  For me in this moment, it means holding onto my identity in Jesus in the midst of great pressure.  What is that identity?  I am everything the New Testament tells me I am In Christ.  I am the temple of the Holy Spirit, a living stone in the spiritual house of God, a member of the chosen generation, the royal priesthood, a holy nation, one of God’s special people, made to proclaim the praises of Him who called me out of darkness into His marvelous light.  (1 Corinthians 6:19, 1 Peter 2:5, 1 Peter 2:9).

I hold on to my identity but remember who everyone else is as well.  I define my actions toward them by the words of God Himself who declares, “Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh.  Is there anything too hard for Me?” (Jeremiah 32:43).  I obey the words of the Apostle Paul who says, “Therefore I exhort first of all that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and giving of thanks be made for all men, for kings and all who are in authority, that we may lead a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and reverence.  For this is good and acceptable in the sight of God our Saviour, who desires all men to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth” (1 Timothy 2:1-4).

I seek to diffuse His fragrance wherever I go and, knowing my flesh still wars against the Spirit, I pray: “Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; Keep watch over the door of my lips.  Do not incline my heart to any evil thing, to practice wicked works with men who work iniquity; and do not let me eat of their delicacies” (Psalm 141:3-4).  I trust that my steps are ordered by the Lord, He delights in my way, and though I stumble I won’t fall because He upholds me with His hand (Psalms 37:24). 

And when I must sit alone because His hand is upon me and He has filled me with indignation I accept the loneliness knowing I am not ever alone because He is with me.  I accept and listen to His voice always ever seeking to follow the Lamb withersoever He goest and heed His call to “come out and be separate”.    

“Behold, now is the accepted time; behold now is the day of salvation” (2 Corinthians 6:2b).

Unless noted otherwise, all scriptures are quoted from:

The New King James Version of The Holy Bible, Thomas Nelson, Inc., Nashville, Tennessee, 1982

References

Guralnik, David B., Webster’s New World Dictionary of The American Language, William Collins+World Publishing Company, Cleveland-New York, 1974

Strong, James, The New Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible, Thomas Nelson Publishers, Nashville, Tennessee, 1990

No Other Name

11 Monday Oct 2021

Posted by in Personal Essays, Writing

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How does a Christian commit suicide?  How does a person who claims to know Jesus as her personal savior kill one’s self?  If I believe Jesus has overcome the world, shouldn’t suicide be impossible?  I can’t speak to anyone else’s situation but I know that, in February 2020, while I didn’t want to commit suicide; I felt I had no other alternative.

I’ve struggled with thoughts of suicide my entire life.  There were abuses at home and suicide seemed like a good way to make it end.  I endured terrible bullying at school and suicide was a way not only of making it stop but I was sure that, once I had killed myself, those bullying me would see the error of their ways.  Books were a way of escape for me during these years and I have never ceased being grateful to the authors who wrote stories of teenage girls making it through difficult times. 

The last time I ever thought of suicide, before my experience in 2020, happened about a year after my car accident.  I had lost everything and didn’t think I could face living every day brain damaged and in chronic pain.  I remember lying in bed with tears running down my face and praying to die.  I had a series of thoughts then and they started with, what if?  What if I did kill myself?  What if, when I found myself in the presence of God, it turned out He did have a plan for me?  What if my life wasn’t really over?  What if I didn’t kill myself?  Well then, if suicide was no longer as an option, the only thing I could do was get up, put cold water on my face, and take one day at a time.

My hope in Jesus got me through.  Even though there were times when I was so tired and I hurt so badly I did long for it to be over, I never seriously considered suicide.  Even when I faced various crises, even when I wondered if what I believed about Jesus was true, even when I considered whether or not He even existed, I never thought of suicide.  Through these crises, The Holy Spirit opened my eyes and I began a walk with Jesus that was more wonderful than anything I’d ever known.  I knew the joy and peace only Jesus could bring and yet, after seventeen years of walking with Him and learning of Him, I once more found myself considering suicide.  How did it happen?

It didn’t happen overnight.  I had endured years of pain and exhaustion.  There were times of revelation and refreshing from the Holy Spirit that made this life worth living, but there was no end to the pain and exhaustion.  I had other health issues.  One major one culminated in the surgery I’ve mentioned before.  But, before I had to have this surgery, I took a job.  It was for a small company-less than five employees-and it was wonderful.  My co-workers were kind and welcoming.  My boss was also kind, and flexible, and genuinely cared about taking care of the people who worked for him.  I had a quiet office to myself with a large window overlooking a dog park.  My boss was understanding, flexible, supported me through my surgery, and was equally supportive during my recovery.

A year after my surgery, the job ended.  The company was sold to another and I was kept on to help with both the wrapping up of the company I worked for and the transfer of information to the new company.  Operations transferred to an area outside of the boundaries I am comfortable driving on my own.  Making it to and from the job now meant I’d have to take the train.

I don’t ride the train.  I have equilibrium issues with my brain injury and the swaying motion of the train makes train travel a nightmare.  Even if I can secure a seat in the very front car, I am dizzy and nauseous after even a short train ride.  Then, there’s my physical problems.  I don’t know how many of you ride public transportation but those seats are not made for someone who has back problems.  And yet, that was where the job had gone and I had no choice.  No matter.  I could use ginger chews to help steady my stomach.  I would use topical analgesics and pain killers to endure the physical side of things.  The rides would be unpleasant but endurable.  Besides, what did I know?  Maybe this was a chance to step out in faith that God would finally heal me.  Together, we had this.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, right?

Wrong.  I lasted less than a month.  Those days are a bit of a blur memory wise but I do remember the agony.  I could not continue.  I was going to let down the boss who had been so kind to me.  Here was another situation where I could not meet expectations.  I was not strong enough and I obviously wasn’t smart enough because I couldn’t figure out a way to make it work.  More than that, it was clear God wasn’t stepping up to help me.  I was a failure.  And, even if I quit and found another job, I was bound to fail no matter where I went.  I would always carry my disability with me.  Not only this, but it was obvious God wasn’t helping me.  Somewhere, I had missed whatever His grand plan was so I had failed Him as well.  Whatever He’d been trying to tell me over the years, I hadn’t heard it.  If I needed proof that the life of a broken down, disabled, mentally deficient human being could not be used of God, here it was.  There really was only one alternative.

I was in a strange headspace.  I had no strong desire to die.  I didn’t really want to commit suicide but suicide felt inevitable.  While I had everything I needed to make it painless, I couldn’t go through with it because I didn’t want to hurt my family: especially my mother.  I didn’t want her to have to find me.  Before I did anything, I had to speak to my boss and tell him I could no longer ride the train.

The Word of the Lord came to me.  A meeting of a Christian Women’s group popped up in my Facebook feed.  The location was close so driving would not be a problem and was in a neighborhood I was familiar with so there was no problem finding it.  I had a strong urge to go but it didn’t make any sense.  I tend to avoid women’s groups as I cannot join in conversations about husbands and kids.  But, I felt I was being told to go and I obeyed.  Besides, they were offering donuts so the morning wouldn’t be a total loss.

Those poor women.  They weren’t through their first worship song before I started to cry.  I continued to cry all through the opening worship and prayer time.  Ugly crying.  I was able to get it under control for the message though I sat there with tears streaming down my cheeks which I could do nothing to stop.  At least I’d graduated to silent crying.  I had about a half a box of Kleenex in my bag and I used every bit of it along with a good portion of the napkins reserved for donut consumption.  I barely remember the message.  What I do remember is the presence of The Holy Spirit all around me: holding me, loving me, and comforting me.  By the closing prayer, He had restored me and given me revelation. 

It wasn’t that I had failed God and now He was done with me.  He loved me.  Neither had He failed me.  I hadn’t ever asked Him what He was doing in the situation.  I had listened to what my boss said he needed and determined to meet that need no matter what.  I had agreed with him and expected God would strengthen me to do what I was sure I needed to do.  What I had done in heeding my boss’s words was hallow his name above that of God. 

We believers pray “Hallowed be thy name” whenever we pray the family prayer.  Do we ever take the time to consider what we are praying?  To hallow means to make holy, purify or consecrate, to venerate (hagiazo G37).  How do we do this?  If we are focusing on God alone, that means we listen to what He is saying to us in The Word Jesus, we listen to the words He has spoken through others recorded for us in scripture, and we listen to the words spoken to us in and by His Spirit.  By listening and obeying we venerate Him alone and are agreeing with the rest of the prayer: Thy kingdom come.  Thy will be done.  When we listen and obey any other voice, even when the words are coming from someone we like and respect, or perhaps someone we love, we are repeating the folly of Adam and Eve. 

One thing I think we believers don’t pay enough attention to is the nature of the sin committed in the Garden of Eden.  It wasn’t to murder or steal or to do anything evil.  Rather it was a good thing.  To be as God, to know good and evil, surely that was a good thing to become.  All it required was listening to and obeying the serpent rather than God.  I have found our enemy has not had to change his tactics in all these eons. Why would he when they continue to work?

Proverbs 14:12 says, “There is a way that seems right unto a man, but its end is the way of death.”  These choices to listen to another voice seem like the right thing to do.  The trap I am particularly susceptible to falling into is when people need my help.  There’s often a “no one else can do it” attached to it and, before I know it, I’m sucked in.  But, how can it be a bad thing to help people?  It isn’t, of course, but the voice I choose to listen to means the difference between trying to live life in my own strength-which is quickly depleted-and living life from the very source of life; Jesus.  It is quenching the Spirit rather than abiding in the vine. 

I am convinced the secret to this life of abiding is listening.  I have to ignore my reflex reaction to run out and fix things and instead, “be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God” (Philippians 4:6).  I trust Him and, because I know He loves me, I know that I can cast all my cares upon Him (1 Peter 5:7).  I do cast everything on Him and then I wait and I listen.  When He speaks, I obey.

I’m not overly fond of clichés however I do feel as though I have a new lease on life.  I want to tell anyone who might be experiencing what I experienced and feeling as I felt that you are loved by God with a love you cannot begin to fathom.  Your life is of supreme importance.  If you are tired, come to Jesus.  If you are burdened, come to Jesus.  Listen to His voice alone.  Learn from Him.  You will find rest.

All scriptures are quoted from:

The New King James Version of The Holy Bible, Thomas Nelson, Inc., Nashville, Tennessee, 1982