Tag Archives: Jesus Christ

Forming the Light

10 Monday Jan 2022

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Photo by Walter Strong

Last week I wrote about asking questions of the Holy Spirit, especially “why”.  I do ask “why”, even though I know I may not get an answer.  My thought on that is, God already knows the “why’s” rattling around in my head so my wanting to know why isn’t a surprise to Him.  I have found if I just ask Him the why of things then it’s with Him, I can trust He’ll answer me when and if He is ready to do so, and my mind is clear to ask Him other questions.  A question I ask with far greater frequency that “why” is, “what does this mean?”

I have had many scriptures interpreted for me by organizations that do, I am sorry to say, have far more dedication to tradition than a desire to know what the scripture actually says.  Scriptural Interpretation is more in line with who these organizations have decided God is than in line with who He has revealed Himself to be.  It can be a struggle to come to a passage of scripture and look at it with fresh eyes, laying aside all I’ve been taught to believe it says, and to have the Holy Spirit teach me what it means.

One of the scriptures I’ve been meditating on for a few years now is Isaiah 45:7: “I form the light and create darkness.  I make peace and create calamity; I, the Lord, do all these things.”  I find this a difficult passage to understand, even after I read it within the context of the surrounding verses.  God is making a point that He alone is God: there is no other.  Yes, I believe that.  This is the same God declared by John to be love (1 John 4:16).  Yes, I believe that too.  What then, does this passage mean?  It doesn’t seem possible that a God who is love would create darkness and calamity but I read these words spoken by God Himself.  I want to know and so I present the passage to the Holy Spirit and ask, “What does this mean?”  Then I begin a word study.

Being a rather linear, methodical sort of person, I begin my study with “I form the light”.  Hebrew is a fascinating language, a language of pictures, and I am not very far into my study before a picture begins to take shape.  The Hebrew word for “form” in this passage is yatsar (H3335).  The Strong’s Concordance gives this definition: “probably identical with 3334 through the squeezing into shape, to mould into a form; espec as a potter; fig to determine (i.e. to form a resolution):-earthen, fashion, form, frame, make, potter, purpose”.

Of course I want to press on to the creating darkness and calamity part of this passage but I cannot.  My attention is seized by this picture of light being squeezed into a shape and being molded into a form.  I see Jesus in this brief line of scripture and I am awed by Him.  I remember how often Jesus is compared to light, especially John 1:4, “In Him was life and the life was the light of men”, and the words of Jesus Himself in John 8:12, “I am the light of the world”. 

While remembering these scriptures among others, I was also reminded that Jesus’ name means “salvation.”  His name is Yeshua-Jesus being an anglicized pronunciation-and this is so exciting when I read passages like Isaiah 49:6: “It is too small a thing that You should be My Servant to raise up the tribes of Jacob, And to restore the preserved ones of Israel: I will also give You as a light (!!!) to the Gentiles, that You should be My salvation (yeshua) to the ends of the earth”. 

“I form the light”.  In these four words, I see Jesus, the Word of God, the One we meet in the act of creating in Genesis One, becoming man.  I remember Philippians 2:5-7: “Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant and coming in the likeness of men”.  Some translations, including the English Standard Version and New American Standard have “emptied Himself” rather than “made Himself of no reputation”.  I find the idea of Jesus emptying Himself to be a stronger word-picture revealing all He sacrificed in order to become man. 

I think about 2 Corinthians 8:9: “For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though He was rich, yet for your sakes He became poor, that you through His poverty might become rich.”  I also think about Jesus’ prayer: “And now, O Father, glorify Me together with Yourself, with the glory which I had with You before the world was” (John 17:5).  I think about these scriptures and wonder if I’ve ever really thought about them and I wonder if I’ve ever understood what they mean.

I don’t know that I, finite and human that I am, can understand what it was like for The Creator to become His creation.  I ponder the words “squeezed into shape” and “moulded into form” and think it must have been agony.  I think about Jesus being “The Lamb slain before the foundation of the world” (Revelation 13:8) and wonder at the intention of God.  There’s a hymn that goes, “O how He loves you and me…He gave His life, what more could He give?” The thought expressed here is the truth: Jesus did give His life on the cross.  And yet, He gave so much more than that.  He gave His Life, a God-life beyond description, when He became human. He gave His life before He ever got to the cross.

The Creator becoming His creation is an expression of a kind of love which I have not yet begun to understand the breadth and length and height and depth.  I am absolutely certain I do not fully understand what it means to be the object of that love.  Jesus became one of us.  My value then is the life of God Himself.  What an identity that is!  And, it’s not just mine.  His life is the light of humankind and He is salvation to the ends of the earth.  The value of every other human being is the life of God Himself. 

This then is my prayer in this upcoming week.  I pray this love with which I am loved becomes so real to me that it permeates every thought I have and directs every action I take.  I pray the same for each of you.  May we know what it means to live and move and have our being in Jesus Christ whose life is the light. 

Amen.

Unless noted otherwise, scriptures are quoted from the New King James Version of the Holy Bible, Thomas Nelson, Inc. 1982

References:

Strong, James, LLD., S.T.D., The New Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible, Thomas Nelson Publishers, Nashville, Tennessee, 1990

Heart of The Father

13 Monday Dec 2021

Posted by in Walking in the Way

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I think I can say with certainty that every Christian is aware of the story of the Prodigal Son recounted in Luke Chapter 15.  I have heard numerous sermons on this chapter and numerous songs sung but each one have been about the Younger Son or, sometimes, about The Father.  I have never heard a sermon on the Elder Brother.  That is, until I heard Malcolm Smith preach one: five of them, actually.  The timing of these sermons is one of those little coincidences that come only from God.

I had been reading this story and found myself thinking the Elder Brother had a point.  Have you ever thought this way?  If so, I bet you never told anyone.  Everyone knows the Elder Brother was wrong in his attitude.  Even so, I couldn’t help thinking the Elder brother was making some valid points.  I knew I had to be wrong, but I had no answer as to why.  As I said, I had not-up to this point-heard a sermon on the Elder Brother.  Even Malcolm Smith, who preaches regularly on Luke 15 and especially the Prodigal Son, had never done a sermon on the Elder Brother that I knew of.  I did not know where to find an answer, so I made a journal entry.  I prayed about an answer and left the giving of that answer to The Lord and His timing.

First, why did I think the Elder Brother made some valid points?  I have been the one not invited to parties.  I imagine how the Elder Brother felt coming in from the fields and hearing the music.  I imagine how it felt to hear that the Younger Brother had come home and The Father had thrown a party and no one had come out to the field to get him and tell him.  I know what it feels like to be overlooked.  I can imagine the Elder Brother’s feelings at the fatted calf being slaughtered in celebration of the Younger Brother’s return.  The Father had never celebrated the Elder Brother.  Perhaps in his grief he never noticed the Elder Brother always there taking care of everything and never thought to throw a party for him.  If the Elder Brother was hurt and angry, wasn’t it possible he had good reason?  No.  Of course not.  Everyone knows the Elder Brother was mad that The Father didn’t treat the Younger Brother how he no doubt deserved to be treated.  Right?  Maybe.  All I could say for certain was I had an uncomfortable feeling that I was reading this all wrong, I did not understand what Jesus was saying in this story, and had no idea how to gain understanding.   

Within a short time of recording my thoughts in my journal, I reached Malcolm Smith’s Webinar 189 and heard him begin to speak on the Elder Brother.  It was liberating to hear him say almost word for word what I’d been thinking: that he’d sometimes thought the Elder Brother had some valid points and knew that he was wrong in thinking so.  Mr. Smith then proceeded to preach the first ever sermons I’d heard on the Elder Brother.  They are numbers 189-193 on Mr. Smith’s YouTube Channel and I’ll include a link to his channel at the end of his post.  I cannot recommend these sermons enough.  I found them to be of immense value.  Through them I learned that yes, I was mistaken to think the Elder Brother was making valid points.  In his own different way, he was as far from The Father as his Younger Brother.

It all boils down to relationship and how neither son had one with The Father.  The Younger Son was much more vocal about things by demanding his inheritance but he couldn’t get his without the Elder Brother getting his double portion (see Luke 15:12).  The story doesn’t have the Elder Brother offering up a word of protest as the Younger Brother made his demands.  And, the Elder Brother’s complaint is not that The Father never celebrated him but that The Father never threw a party for him and his friends.  He had no desire to celebrate anything with his father.  The Elder Brother had no understanding of The Father’s heart and the story doesn’t say he had any interest in doing so.

The heart of The Father.  I have been thinking about this for a while now and thinking about the attitudes of both sons in Jesus’ story.  The Younger Son at least came to a place where he could begin to understand the heart of his father and understand that heart was full of love.  Jesus leaves the story unfinished.  What about the Elder Brother?  Does he realize his father loved him so much he left the party to ask him to join?  Does he see that his father always loved him?  Does he respond to that love and join the celebration or does he remain in his anger?  Does he see that he never knew his father or understood The Father’s love?  Does he stay outside in the darkness where all he can do is hear the celebration and rage at it?

What will I do?  A few weeks ago I wrote that God had invited me to see people as He sees them.  This is true but not the entire truth.  I and every believer in Jesus, have relationship to the Father because we are in Jesus Christ and His Spirit lives in us (See Ephesians 2:18, John 14:6).  John 14:23 says, “…if a man love me, he will keep my words and my Father will love him and we will come unto him, and make our abode with him” (KJV).  Jesus is my Lord and Saviour, His is the name above all other names, and He had the preeminence in all things; yet I cannot have a relationship with Him without also having one with The Father.  God cannot be separated and wherever and however I meet Jesus, so also do I meet The Father. 

I find I don’t have to be afraid of Him.  I find He is not wrothing and frothing (to borrow from Joyce Meyer!) and is only restrained from tossing me into hell by the bloody horrific death of His son.  No, I find I can trust Jesus words when He says He and The Father are one (John 10:30).  I believe that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself (2 Corinthians 5:19).  I find The Father is safe.  I believe that He so loved the world that He gave.

What is harder to believe is that all of that love, all that He is, is for me.  I still feel as if I have to be doing something.  I can’t exist just to be the beloved of God, I have to do something.  I have to bear fruit, I have to go into all the world, I have to-I have to….I hear His voice saying, “My dear child, you are always with me, all that I have is yours.”  I realize then I’ve been working for Him and not having a relationship with Him.  I remember I cannot bear fruit on my own but only as I abide in Jesus and His life flows through me.  Relationship.  I remember my works are worth nothing unless they are the works prepared for me before the world began.  I only know what that is within relationship.  I remember that I can do good works, give all my money, even offer up my body and none of means a thing if I don’t have love: the agape love that God is.  I only know that love and have it for myself if I have relationship with The Father.

Just this Sunday, the speaker during Service said, “God doesn’t heal in order to use.”  I had to write that down and it’s something I’ll be thinking about for a while.  How often I have begged to be used by God!  The Younger Son had his speech ready and was willing to work as a hired servant.  The place he’d known as son was surely no longer for him.  The Father didn’t listen.  He loved the son, dressed him, restored him, and threw a massive party.  I want to know the heart of that Father.  I set myself to seek the very heart of God.  I seek to cease from my labors and know I am beloved of God.  I boldly enter His presence, knowing a new and living way has been given to me by the blood of Jesus (Hebrews 10:19-20, 22).  I find it’s not at all what I expected because The Father is having a party and all I have to do is join in.

Malcolm Smith’s YouTube Channel:

https://www.youtube.com/user/MalcolmSmithWebinars/videos

It’s Personal

01 Monday Nov 2021

Posted by in Walking in the Way

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It’s been a few weeks now since a post included the passage from 2 Corinthians 10:5: “Casting down imaginations and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ” (KJV).  I have been meditating on the last part of that passage-the bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ-and focusing on doing so.

I don’t know if any of you have ever made this your focus but it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.  I didn’t realize how often my mind wandered until I turned my attention to what I was actually thinking about and attempting to bring an awareness of Jesus Christ to every moment.  Even in prayer time with my church or with my family, I would catch myself mouthing the words while I was thinking about what to make for breakfast or what my plans were for the next day or a hundred other things.  It was not focused on God.  To paraphrase Yoda, my mind was never on where I was-what I was doing.

One thing I was not aware I was doing was separating in my mind time with God and time to think about whatever I wanted.  I would do my bible reading, some prayer time, some study time and then I’d make no attempt to control my thoughts throughout the rest of the day.  It was like I’d scored my brownie points with God.  It had become habit to give Him His allotted time and then I was free to think about whatever I wanted.  Since I was thinking about a story I was writing or blog posts or poems-all things that had to do with God-I didn’t think what I was doing needed to change.  I recently heard one of my teachers say “religion is easy: relationship is hard” and that struck me. 

I had already realized how much of my thought life was consumed of planning all I was going to do for God.  Upcoming studies that would be turned into blog posts, which books I would read after I finished my current ones, what all I needed to do to share to good news of Jesus with those around me.  And then, when my brain was overwhelmed with all of these plans, I’d escape into a story or a television show: anything to give my brain a break.  Realizing I was thinking this way and having this experience, I realized how true that statement it: religion is easy: relationship is hard.

It is so easy for me to keep God intellectual.  I have stacks of books at my fingertips.  I could spend the rest of my life in study of Him and learn things that would fill blog post after blog post.  I might even write something that helps someone else.  What does any of it matter if I spend so much time working for Him that I don’t have anything left over for spending time with Him?  For so long I acted like, somehow, I was in control. I’d get up in the mornings and ready my studies and devotionals, and then pray He’d help me get through my day. Hadn’t I earned His blessing?  I’d put Him first, checked my “aren’t I a good Christian” boxes, and now He had to hold up His end of things.  My relationship with Him, if I can even call it a relationship, was contractual rather than covenant.  I was living out of a “because I then He” rather than living life from Him.

Do you know that if I never picked up a Bible again, God would still love me?  It is amazing to me, I sit in utter wonder of it, to know that there is nothing I can ever do or not do that affect God’s love for me.  He loves me because He is love.  That is terrifying. I can’t do anything to control when or how He loves me. I do not earn His love by prayers or readings or studies or memorization.  I don’t present my Good Christian Resume and tell Him I’ve kept the rules so He has to keep His promises.  No, I am in relationship with the living God.  I almost can’t bear to type it.  THE LIVING GOD!  The covenant God.  The God who gives Himself to me in love.  This God lives inside of me now.  I do not bide my time performing for Him so I get to go to heaven when I die.  He and I are one right this moment.  We are in covenant relationship and because He is all that He is to me right now-all His promises are “Yes” in Christ Jesus-therefore I live my life from Him.

Knowing this-really knowing it-sitting with it until it became a reality in my heart not just an idea, changed how I look at Paul’s words in his first letter to the Corinthians: “Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels and have not charity I am become as sounding brass or a tinkling cymbal.  And though I have the gift of prophecy and understand all mysteries and all knowledge: and though I have all faith so that I could remove mountains and have not charity, I am nothing.  And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor and though I give my body to be burned and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing” (1 Corinthians 13:1-3, KJV).  And then comes that beautiful passage describing agape which is the Greek word translated “charity” here.

1 John 4:8 ends with the words, “for God is love” and that word in the Greek is agape.  Malcolm Smith will often stress that God is love: He doesn’t have it, He is it.  I sit in realization if this and see that the love (or charity) Paul is talking about isn’t a feeling or even an act of my will: it’s the very person of Jesus.  He is what I need.  Without Him, I am nothing. 

And so, of course I read my Bible but to know Him not to appease Him.  I read where Moses says, “If thy presence go not with me, carry us not up hence” (Exodus 33:15, KJV).  My heart says a hearty “amen” and then I rejoice knowing that because I am joined to the Lord, I am one spirit with Him and I have the relationship Moses only anticipated.  I make David’s words in Psalm 27 my own prayer: “When thou saidist, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, Lord, will I seek” (verse 8, KJV).  And, I bring every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.  Not in an attitude of “Sir, yes sir!” but in the true meaning of the word obedience: attentive hearkening.  I don’t want to wander off into my own thoughts: I want to seek His face and hear His voice.  Only then, because He speaks and has inclined my ear to hear Him; then will I do.

Obedience

G5218 hupakoe, from 5219; attentive hearkening, i.e. (by impl.) compliance or submission;–obedience, (make) obedient, obey (-ing)

G5219 hupakouo, from 5259 and 191; to hear under (as a subordinate), i.e. to listen attentively…

Strong, James, The New Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible, Thomas Nelson Publishers, Nashville, Tennessee, 1990

Holier Than Thou

25 Monday Oct 2021

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“You think you’re better.”

I have been remembering two times in my life when I have had this accusation leveled at me.  I was sixteen the first time and was a shy and introverted new student at a new school.  I have mentioned enduring bullying and how books were an escape for me.  After a time, I didn’t need a book.  I could build stories in my own mind-some of them I even attempted writing down-and had acquired the habit of shifting into my thought world any time my attention wasn’t required.  I had done so at this time and only returned to the present moment when another student said my name and then said “you think you’re better than everybody.” 

I was shocked.  This student barely knew me.  I’d only been at the school a few months: how could he possibly say such a thing?  Fury came hard on the heels of shock.  How dare he!  Who did he think he was to presume to tell me what I was thinking!  I said nothing-I couldn’t speak-but any hope of friendship died in that moment.  It was true that I barely knew him as well but he’d proven himself to be untrustworthy and any good opinion I might have had was lost forever.  It was so lost that many years later a co-worker recognized the name of the school and asked if I remembered this student.  I hadn’t thought of him in years but it all came rushing back.  That moment.  Those words.  Those words spoken in front of others and my public humiliation.  Oh yes, I remembered.  My face must have reflected how I felt because this co-worker never brought it up again.

I was once more shocked but this time shocked at how angry I still was.  It was a cold anger and perhaps resentment would be a better word.  That student was frozen in that moment in my mind.  No matter who he was, how he’d grown, what he’d learned in the ensuing years, he was still the one who had falsely accused and embarrassed ME.  I went immediately to God and offered it all up: the student, my feelings, all the unforgiveness I hadn’t known I was holding, it all was placed in the hands of The Father.

I believe the meeting with the co-worker was a divine meeting so that I would see this, offer it all up to the Lord, and the situation would be immersed in the cleansing, redeeming blood of Jesus.  There was no longer any buried resentment to fuel my reactions and I was soon to be grateful for that.  Because, only a short time later, this accusation would be leveled at me again.  This time the words were, “you think you’re better than me,” and the words came from a close family member.  They cut far deeper than the words of that student so long ago because they came from someone I loved. 

 By the time I faced this accusation, I was well into my walk with Jesus and was experiencing tremendous upheaval.  I was seeing Him in a way I never had before and old behaviors were dropping away.  I was figuring out how to live this life in Christ and how to live it in the midst of others.  My loved one made a joke I simply could not laugh at and thus the accusation.  I did try to explain that I was different because Jesus was making me different, that I knew very well I was superior to no one, that I meant no offence, but it was to no avail.  Meetings with this family member became more and more difficult: when I did not laugh at jokes, when I refused to listen to certain music or watch certain television shows, when I would not repeat derogatory things about other people, I was proving I thought I was better.  Not only that, I was being outright disrespectful and, ultimately, my family member cut off all contact with me.

I do not share this in some false humility that really intends to show how great of a Christian I am.  Neither do I deny there are Christians who have a “Holier Than Thou” attitude.  Let us leave them to the Lord.  My struggle is this:  as I shared last week, I am one who is called to come out be separate while still living in the midst of those who not only don’t believe but want nothing to do with Jesus.  I have no wish to offend anyone but neither can I compromise this life I now live in Christ Jesus.  How then do I live?

One of my Bible Teachers said the meaning of separate is more akin to “distinct” than it is “apart”.  I looked it up to be sure.  The Greek word is aphorizo (G873) and it means “to set off by boundary”.  I suppose either “distinct” or “apart” can be seen here but, the more I meditated on it, the more I thought I understood what my Bible Teacher was saying.  Consider, if you will, that the “boundary” mentioned here symbolizes the person of Jesus Christ.

Jesus has the preeminence.  I do not live separate from the world so much as I live separated unto Him.  In Him, it is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me.  I am joined to Him and thus of one Spirit with Him.  Because I am in Him, I am a new creation.  My life is hidden with Christ in God and in Him I live and move and have my being.  (Galatians 2:20, 1 Corinthians 6:17, 2 Corinthians 5:17, Colossians 3:3, Acts 17:28)  He forms a boundary around me and nothing gets to me but what it also touches Him.  This truth is what I hold on to every moment of my life, in whatever situation I find myself in.  It is the only identity I allow to define me.   

This identity makes me special only because I am in Jesus Christ.  I am not in Him because I am special.  I have done nothing to earn it.  I did not even seek God on my own: He revealed Himself to me.  He is the one who called me and laid His hand on me.  It was His goodness that opened my eyes and caused me to want to exchange my mind for His.  I only love Him because He first loved me and revealed that love to me in and through His Spirit.  In my flesh there dwells nothing good and it is He alone who directs my heart into love of God and patience of Christ.  (Matthew 11:27, Romans 2:4, 1 John 4:19, Romans 5:5, Romans 7:18, 2 Thessalonians 3:5)  All of this is for me!  All of this is for everyone else.

There are so many scriptures that state God is the God of all peoples, where He has promised all the nations of the earth shall be blessed, that He wills all men to be saved.  Here are three I must share: “For by Him all things were created that are in heaven and that are on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or principalities or powers.  All things were created through Him and for Him.  And He is before all things and in Him all things consist” (Colossians 1:16-17).  “But this Man, after He had offered one sacrifice for sins forever, sat down at the right hand of God” (Hebrews 10:12).  “For of Him and through Him and to Him are all things, to whom be glory forever” (Romans 11:36). 

Again, these are a mere handful of scriptures but they ought to put to rest the idea that any believer has the right to think he or she is better than anyone else.  God gave His Son because He loved the world.  When I know how much He loves me, I can begin to understand how much He loves the world.  I can act in no other way towards people while, at the same time, I do not seek to take part in anything that does not reflect the heart of God.  This being so, what can I do when and if someone accuses me of thinking I’m better? 

I live my life from Jesus Christ living in me by His Spirit.  Doing so is a learning process and I am not so arrogant to think I act perfectly in everything I do, despite my desire to do so.  I humble myself before the God who loves me and ask Him if there is any truth in the accusation.  I ask Him to purify me in the fire that He is and burn out all the dross that keeps me from being His perfect reflection.  I offer any apology I owe to the one I have wronged.  If the accusation is false and I owe no apology, then I rejoice!  It means Jesus has been recognized in me and I am blessed to be excluded for His sake! (Luke 6:22)

Hallelujah!  Hallelujah!  Amen.

Unless noted otherwise, scriptures are quoted from the New King James Version of the Holy Bible, Thomas Nelson, Inc. 1982

References:

Strong, James, LLD., S.T.D., The New Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible, Thomas Nelson Publishers, Nashville, Tennessee, 1990

No Other Name

11 Monday Oct 2021

Posted by in Personal Essays, Writing

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How does a Christian commit suicide?  How does a person who claims to know Jesus as her personal savior kill one’s self?  If I believe Jesus has overcome the world, shouldn’t suicide be impossible?  I can’t speak to anyone else’s situation but I know that, in February 2020, while I didn’t want to commit suicide; I felt I had no other alternative.

I’ve struggled with thoughts of suicide my entire life.  There were abuses at home and suicide seemed like a good way to make it end.  I endured terrible bullying at school and suicide was a way not only of making it stop but I was sure that, once I had killed myself, those bullying me would see the error of their ways.  Books were a way of escape for me during these years and I have never ceased being grateful to the authors who wrote stories of teenage girls making it through difficult times. 

The last time I ever thought of suicide, before my experience in 2020, happened about a year after my car accident.  I had lost everything and didn’t think I could face living every day brain damaged and in chronic pain.  I remember lying in bed with tears running down my face and praying to die.  I had a series of thoughts then and they started with, what if?  What if I did kill myself?  What if, when I found myself in the presence of God, it turned out He did have a plan for me?  What if my life wasn’t really over?  What if I didn’t kill myself?  Well then, if suicide was no longer as an option, the only thing I could do was get up, put cold water on my face, and take one day at a time.

My hope in Jesus got me through.  Even though there were times when I was so tired and I hurt so badly I did long for it to be over, I never seriously considered suicide.  Even when I faced various crises, even when I wondered if what I believed about Jesus was true, even when I considered whether or not He even existed, I never thought of suicide.  Through these crises, The Holy Spirit opened my eyes and I began a walk with Jesus that was more wonderful than anything I’d ever known.  I knew the joy and peace only Jesus could bring and yet, after seventeen years of walking with Him and learning of Him, I once more found myself considering suicide.  How did it happen?

It didn’t happen overnight.  I had endured years of pain and exhaustion.  There were times of revelation and refreshing from the Holy Spirit that made this life worth living, but there was no end to the pain and exhaustion.  I had other health issues.  One major one culminated in the surgery I’ve mentioned before.  But, before I had to have this surgery, I took a job.  It was for a small company-less than five employees-and it was wonderful.  My co-workers were kind and welcoming.  My boss was also kind, and flexible, and genuinely cared about taking care of the people who worked for him.  I had a quiet office to myself with a large window overlooking a dog park.  My boss was understanding, flexible, supported me through my surgery, and was equally supportive during my recovery.

A year after my surgery, the job ended.  The company was sold to another and I was kept on to help with both the wrapping up of the company I worked for and the transfer of information to the new company.  Operations transferred to an area outside of the boundaries I am comfortable driving on my own.  Making it to and from the job now meant I’d have to take the train.

I don’t ride the train.  I have equilibrium issues with my brain injury and the swaying motion of the train makes train travel a nightmare.  Even if I can secure a seat in the very front car, I am dizzy and nauseous after even a short train ride.  Then, there’s my physical problems.  I don’t know how many of you ride public transportation but those seats are not made for someone who has back problems.  And yet, that was where the job had gone and I had no choice.  No matter.  I could use ginger chews to help steady my stomach.  I would use topical analgesics and pain killers to endure the physical side of things.  The rides would be unpleasant but endurable.  Besides, what did I know?  Maybe this was a chance to step out in faith that God would finally heal me.  Together, we had this.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, right?

Wrong.  I lasted less than a month.  Those days are a bit of a blur memory wise but I do remember the agony.  I could not continue.  I was going to let down the boss who had been so kind to me.  Here was another situation where I could not meet expectations.  I was not strong enough and I obviously wasn’t smart enough because I couldn’t figure out a way to make it work.  More than that, it was clear God wasn’t stepping up to help me.  I was a failure.  And, even if I quit and found another job, I was bound to fail no matter where I went.  I would always carry my disability with me.  Not only this, but it was obvious God wasn’t helping me.  Somewhere, I had missed whatever His grand plan was so I had failed Him as well.  Whatever He’d been trying to tell me over the years, I hadn’t heard it.  If I needed proof that the life of a broken down, disabled, mentally deficient human being could not be used of God, here it was.  There really was only one alternative.

I was in a strange headspace.  I had no strong desire to die.  I didn’t really want to commit suicide but suicide felt inevitable.  While I had everything I needed to make it painless, I couldn’t go through with it because I didn’t want to hurt my family: especially my mother.  I didn’t want her to have to find me.  Before I did anything, I had to speak to my boss and tell him I could no longer ride the train.

The Word of the Lord came to me.  A meeting of a Christian Women’s group popped up in my Facebook feed.  The location was close so driving would not be a problem and was in a neighborhood I was familiar with so there was no problem finding it.  I had a strong urge to go but it didn’t make any sense.  I tend to avoid women’s groups as I cannot join in conversations about husbands and kids.  But, I felt I was being told to go and I obeyed.  Besides, they were offering donuts so the morning wouldn’t be a total loss.

Those poor women.  They weren’t through their first worship song before I started to cry.  I continued to cry all through the opening worship and prayer time.  Ugly crying.  I was able to get it under control for the message though I sat there with tears streaming down my cheeks which I could do nothing to stop.  At least I’d graduated to silent crying.  I had about a half a box of Kleenex in my bag and I used every bit of it along with a good portion of the napkins reserved for donut consumption.  I barely remember the message.  What I do remember is the presence of The Holy Spirit all around me: holding me, loving me, and comforting me.  By the closing prayer, He had restored me and given me revelation. 

It wasn’t that I had failed God and now He was done with me.  He loved me.  Neither had He failed me.  I hadn’t ever asked Him what He was doing in the situation.  I had listened to what my boss said he needed and determined to meet that need no matter what.  I had agreed with him and expected God would strengthen me to do what I was sure I needed to do.  What I had done in heeding my boss’s words was hallow his name above that of God. 

We believers pray “Hallowed be thy name” whenever we pray the family prayer.  Do we ever take the time to consider what we are praying?  To hallow means to make holy, purify or consecrate, to venerate (hagiazo G37).  How do we do this?  If we are focusing on God alone, that means we listen to what He is saying to us in The Word Jesus, we listen to the words He has spoken through others recorded for us in scripture, and we listen to the words spoken to us in and by His Spirit.  By listening and obeying we venerate Him alone and are agreeing with the rest of the prayer: Thy kingdom come.  Thy will be done.  When we listen and obey any other voice, even when the words are coming from someone we like and respect, or perhaps someone we love, we are repeating the folly of Adam and Eve. 

One thing I think we believers don’t pay enough attention to is the nature of the sin committed in the Garden of Eden.  It wasn’t to murder or steal or to do anything evil.  Rather it was a good thing.  To be as God, to know good and evil, surely that was a good thing to become.  All it required was listening to and obeying the serpent rather than God.  I have found our enemy has not had to change his tactics in all these eons. Why would he when they continue to work?

Proverbs 14:12 says, “There is a way that seems right unto a man, but its end is the way of death.”  These choices to listen to another voice seem like the right thing to do.  The trap I am particularly susceptible to falling into is when people need my help.  There’s often a “no one else can do it” attached to it and, before I know it, I’m sucked in.  But, how can it be a bad thing to help people?  It isn’t, of course, but the voice I choose to listen to means the difference between trying to live life in my own strength-which is quickly depleted-and living life from the very source of life; Jesus.  It is quenching the Spirit rather than abiding in the vine. 

I am convinced the secret to this life of abiding is listening.  I have to ignore my reflex reaction to run out and fix things and instead, “be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God” (Philippians 4:6).  I trust Him and, because I know He loves me, I know that I can cast all my cares upon Him (1 Peter 5:7).  I do cast everything on Him and then I wait and I listen.  When He speaks, I obey.

I’m not overly fond of clichés however I do feel as though I have a new lease on life.  I want to tell anyone who might be experiencing what I experienced and feeling as I felt that you are loved by God with a love you cannot begin to fathom.  Your life is of supreme importance.  If you are tired, come to Jesus.  If you are burdened, come to Jesus.  Listen to His voice alone.  Learn from Him.  You will find rest.

All scriptures are quoted from:

The New King James Version of The Holy Bible, Thomas Nelson, Inc., Nashville, Tennessee, 1982