Tag Archives: Living with TBI

The Greatest Blessing

07 Monday Mar 2022

Posted by in Poetry, Writing

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Good Day! I’m posting this later than usual but I wasn’t sure I could post at all as, a few days ago, I had a TBI Incident. There was an amusing brain game on Social Media, I tried it, and am now adding amusing brain games to the list of activities Kate can no longer do post-brain injury.

With my synapses reeling and my brain down for maintenance (copious amounts of sleep and trying not to think too much while awake) I have to postpone the next installment in my study of Isaiah 45:7. With high hopes for continuing next week, I offer this poem for your enjoyment.

I wrote it years ago when I had passed through most of the stages of grief but, instead of coming to acceptance, I was more at resignation. Something needed to change. I was tired of my “oh poor me” thoughts and decided to take stock of my blessings. There were more than I thought once I started counting and, greatest of all, the Holy Spirit had not left me because I was now disabled. Perhaps that sounds silly but it was an important revelation for me. This damaged body was still His temple, I was still one with Jesus, and I was still loved by the Father. Knowing that is my greatest blessing.

Love Letter

A love poem from me to You
Is what I am striving to write
But the words will not come-the words will not flow
And I know I'll be at this all night.
What is it exactly I'm trying to say
That hasn't been said once before?
Perhaps there is nothing, nothing at all
But I'll not sleep without trying once more.
I long to tell you of all in my heart
And I'm not sure just where to begin
So I'll start with I love you, a good place I think
And I'm grateful I'm redeemed from sin.
I am grateful also for so many more things
That I'm walking and talking and wielding my pen
For You've blessed me so much, even more than I know
That I can't but give thanks once again.
I can tell You I'm awed that the Creator of all
Would care so much about me
That He'd choose the cross and face so much pain
Knowing it would mean setting me free.
So I thank you so much for the blood that You shed
For the relationship I have with You
And I'll show all I love You as much as I can
Because,really, what else can I do?

Because He Lives

04 Monday Oct 2021

Posted by in Personal Essays, Writing

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Today, the Fourth of October, is the twenty-third anniversary of the car accident that left me differently-abled.  Since Post Day for the blog fell on Anniversary Day, I wanted to do something special.  I thought and thought and searched for the perfect words to say…what?  What do I know after twenty-three years of living differently-abled that will mean anything to anybody?

I recently read a quote by a spiritual leader whose writings I have read and admired in the past, something that made the quote so astonishing.  This leader was talking about us believers taking a carnal rather than a spiritual approach to our enemies and said our carnal approach could put us in a place where God cannot help us.  I don’t have the full context of this quote so perhaps I am interpreting these words in a way the writer never intended. However, I was struck by any leader saying we humans could end up in a place where God could not help us, regardless of the context.  I declare to you today such a statement is not true. I know Paul’s words are the truth: “For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created things, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38-39). He is truly the One who keeps His promise never to leave nor forsake us and I know from experience we are never beyond His help.

At the time of the car accident, I was not living a life in Jesus Christ. I believed in Him certainly but, sick of the rules and regulations and a Father God I could not please no matter what, I had walked away from trying to live a Christian life. I was miserable, of course, but God never once let go of me.  In fact, He was with me the moment I woke up in that car after the accident.  His presence urged me to get out of the car and He was with me every step of the mile and a half journey I had to take to find help.  He was with me as I went away from rather than towards town and He was with me when I found the men who, by a remarkable coincidence, had postponed their fishing trip a week and were thus close by to get me to help and save my life. 

I didn’t die in my car accident and I know that isn’t the outcome for many. I lost a family member in an accident a few short months after my own. What about death? Isn’t that a sign that God didn’t help? That is not a subject that can be addressed in the limited space I have today but let me quote again that neither death nor life…shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. I can tell you He was with me through this experience as well and I can assert along with Paul that death and the grave do not have the final word (1 Corinthians 15:55-57). We can trust Jesus even in these circumstances. He is the Living One and he holds the keys of death and hell (Revelation 1:18). (Note: while these passages have the words grave and hell respectively, the Greek word in both places is the same-hades [G86]).

But what about consequences, I can hear some asking.  We make our own choices and God doesn’t spare us the consequences of our actions.  We suffer from our own choices and we suffer because of the choices of others.  I don’t disagree.  I do disagree-utterly-with the idea that the choices we or anyone else make somehow thwarts God.  For a beautiful story of what God can do when others mean evil toward us and our sufferings do not stem from anything we did, read the story of Joseph related in Genesis Chapters 37-48.  But, what about situations like mine where, while it was an accident, I can’t deny I made my own choices. I have already shared how I did not put myself in a situation where not even God could help me, but there have been life changing consequences from this accident. What can I now hope for? I find reassurance in a story from Paul’s life in Chapters 20-23 of the Book of Acts.

I do wonder if this story doesn’t start in Chapter 18.  The end of verse 18 says, “He had his hair cut off at Cenchrea, for he had taken a vow.”  I’ve read various commentaries on just what this vow was and whether the cutting of the hair meant completion of the vow as such a completion usually meant the necessity of a sacrifice in Jerusalem.  I cannot say one way or another but this vow is something I can’t help but keep in mind as I read Chapters 20-23.  Paul is determined to get to Jerusalem for the Day of Pentecost (Acts 20:16) and nothing, not even the Holy Spirit Himself, is going to stop him. 

Paul states, “And see now I go bound in the spirit to Jerusalem, not knowing the things that will happen to me there, except that the Holy Spirit testifies in every city, saying that chains and tribulations await me.  But none of these things move me; nor do I count my life dear to myself…” 

The Holy Spirit spoke to Paul through another as well.  Chapter 21 relates how a prophet named Agabus comes down from Judea, takes Paul’s belt, binds his own hands and feet and says, “Thus says the Holy Spirit, so shall the Jews at Jerusalem bind the man who owns this belt and deliver him into the hands of the Gentiles” (verses 10-11).  Those with Paul plead with him to change his mind but he will not be persuaded.  I have to laugh a little when I read verse 14: “So when he would not be persuaded, we ceased, saying, “The will of the Lord be done.”  I do wonder just what they meant by that…

Paul goes to Jerusalem and everything happens exactly the way the Holy Spirit warned it would.  You can read the details of his time in Jerusalem and arrest through the rest of Chapter 21 and into Chapter 23.  And so…wouldn’t you think that disregarding warnings from THE HOLY SPIRIT would be a terrible sin?  Wouldn’t you think God would have no choice but to wash His hands of Paul and find someone else, someone more willing to be obedient?  Wouldn’t you think Paul’s choices had put him in a place where not even God could help him?

God doesn’t abandon him.  Verse 11 of Chapter 23 starts with “But”.  I always pay attention to the ‘buts’ I find in scripture and focus what came before.  Verse 10 says, “Now when there arose a great dissension, the commander, fearing lest Paul might be pulled to pieces by them, commanded the soldiers to go down and take him by force from among them, and bring him into the barracks.”  And then verse 11: “But…”

I spent some time between verses 10 and 11, imagining what Paul might be thinking and feeling.  He knew what to expect.  The Holy Spirit made clear what was going to happen if he chose to come to Jerusalem.  I wonder if Paul felt like a failure. I wonder if he was sure God would have to use someone else, someone less stubborn, more malleable.  I wonder if he had any hope of being used to proclaim the gospel of Jesus Christ ever again.  I wonder if he was overwhelmed with thoughts of “what if” and “if only”. I wonder all of this and then read verse 11: “BUT the following night the Lord stood by him and said, “Be of good cheer, Paul; for as you have testified for Me in Jerusalem, so you must also bear witness in Rome.”

What would Paul have been if he had heeded the warnings of the Holy Spirit and bypassed Jerusalem?  I think the question is worth asking but the answer really is “it doesn’t matter.”  The wonderful lesson I glean from this story is our choices cannot thwart the plan of God.  God was with Paul through his imprisonments and the things that happened to him as he was transferred from one place of incarceration to another.  And we have his letters, some written during these times of imprisonment, like the Epistle to the Philippians which bubbles over with the Joy of The Lord.

There’s a phrase, “You made your bed: now lie in it.”  What breaks my heart is when I hear the disdain in this phrase echoed in the words of Believers.  We ought to know better because we see Jesus.  If God, who is love, could possibly have in His heart the idea of “you made your bed: now lie in it”, He never would have given the promises of the One to come throughout the entire Old Testament and would have never given Jesus.  This is what I know.  I know He loves me and I know there is nothing I can ever do to stop Him loving me.  I know there is no mistake I can make He cannot redeem.  I know He is with me in this mess I have made of my life and that He is making it all work for good and for His purposes.  I know because Jesus lives, and lives in me through His Spirit, I can face whatever this life might hold.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow

Because He lives, all fear is gone

Because I know, He holds the future,

And life is worth the living just because He lives. 

All scriptures are quoted from:

The New King James Version of The Holy Bible, Thomas Nelson, Inc., Nashville, Tennessee, 1982

Avowal

02 Monday Nov 2020

Posted by in Poetry, Writing

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Living with a traumatic brain injury and chronic pain is not easy. I often find it soothing to express my feelings in poetry, most of which is not fit for anyone else’s consumption. I like this one. It’s a reminder that the Joy of the Lord is my strength. With Him, I can face any difficulty.

Avowal

I will not let this beat me

This defeat

This darkness that comes

Sweeping over me

No! Not I.

I shall turn my face to the sun

Forgetting what lies behind

Pressing ever forward

For I still live.

I will not let this overpower me

This despair

These arrows that flame

Bombarding me

I shall not! Not I.

I shall stand with my face in the wind

Counting as naught all I have lost

Eyes fixed on all I have gained

For I still breathe.

I will not let this overwhelm me

This depression

The burden that comes

Choking life from me

Never! Not I.

I shall stand planted on this rock

Holding fast to what I know is true

That all things work for my good

For I still hope.

Great Expectations-Part Two

12 Monday Oct 2020

Posted by in Walking in the Way

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Last week I began writing about my struggle to understand why, if all the promises of God were “Yes” in Jesus, did I not see them manifest in my life, and my feelings of failure because of that lack.  There did seem to be a law in place as expressed in Exodus 15: 26: “If you listen carefully to the Lord your God and do what is right in His eyes, if you pay attention to His commands and keep all His decrees, I will not bring on you any of the diseases I brought on the Egyptians, for I am the Lord who heals you.”   Since I was not healed, I had to have missed a step somewhere. 

I do not wish to infer I’ve spent the last seventeen years pursuing healing. At that time, my Heavenly Father revealed Himself to me in a way I had never known.  At that moment, I realized everything I had ever thought about Him had been mistaken and that I knew nothing at all.  Every day since then has been an opportunity to, in the words of Yoda, unlearn what I have learned. I focused on “But seek (aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right), and then all these things taken together will be given you besides. (Matthew 6: 33, Amplified)  Amen. So be it. 

Then, three years ago, I re-discovered a bible teacher I listened to as a child.  He spoke of the promises of God, especially healing, and said it was so in Jesus and that I should expect!  Expect?  Expect what?  I was seeking Him with my whole heart, what more did I need to do?  I couldn’t argue with the scriptures I heard quoted.  It did seem there was an aspect to my life in Jesus I was failing to appropriate.  How to do so?

There have been moments of intense frustration as I tried to figure it out.  There have been moments when I’ve been so angry I’ve cried out to God; “just tell me what you want!  Why is this so hard?”  It was a deeply confusing time and it was about to get worse.

With my limitations, I only work part-time which means I don’t have a great deal of extra cash.  While I was struggling to figure out why I was not experiencing the fullness of the promises of God, I had a minor procedure that still required my going under anesthesia; a process that proved to be rather expensive.  A month later, I was rear-ended driving into work which aggravated all my old injuries of that car accident from years ago.  I missed work and pay.  A month after that I ended up in the ER as yet another health problem came to a head.  Major surgery was scheduled that was going to cost hundreds of thousands of dollars.  I had insurance (thank God!) but I still had to pay a portion of the cost.  Less than a month before my surgery I was in another car accident (not my fault!) where I ended up in the ER AGAIN.  More expense.  Then came the surgery and recovery, and then yet again another minor surgical procedure.  I didn’t have insurance for this cost and had to dig into my savings account.

In the midst of these health/physical struggles, the parameters of my job changed.  I couldn’t drive myself anymore but had to take the train to work.  This has always been my one point of refusal when accepting a placement: I don’t go downtown because I can’t take the train.  It is too hard on me physically and I get terribly dizzy and sick to my stomach: probably complications from my TBI.  Now, I had to take the train and I didn’t see any way out.  I had taken some financial hits and would be a fool to quit.  Then there was the job itself.  There was no one else who knew the job the way I did so I didn’t see how I could quit and leave them hanging.  Maybe this was it!  I began to pray that finally, when I needed Him the most, my Father would heal me so I could do what I needed to do.  Trusting He would be my strength, I began to ride the train.

My days ended with indescribable agony.  The pain was so bad I couldn’t breathe. Finally, the pain got so bad I had to say “when” to the job.  I had reached another crisis point.  It was when I had nothing left that my Father came to me, wrapped His arms around me, and opened my eyes.

I saw that, even though He and I had developed a deep, personal relationship, I was still hallowing another’s name above His.  What do I mean by that?  I mean that a word had been spoken to me and the word sounded good and right.  Fulfilling that word seemed to be honoring God and I stepped out in obedience to that word without ever checking it with God and being sure the voice I was listening to was His.  I expected Him to give me the strength to do what I believed I needed to do.   

Why am I telling you all this?

All of these things were piling on each other, one after another, and I was clinging to Jesus by my fingernails.  Why?  When everything seemed to be so opposite of what I believed and it didn’t appear He was with me at all; why didn’t I decide I’d been utterly mistaken, there was no God, and I was on my own to figure out this life as best as I could?  The answer is because I know Him.  He has revealed Himself to me step by step, situation by situation over the years and I KNOW He lives and He loves me. Still, I didn’t quite understand: I expected an answer to healing and He showed me the importance of hearing and obeying no voice but His. 

To be continued…

Great Expectations-Part One

05 Monday Oct 2020

Posted by in Walking in the Way

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Yesterday was the anniversary of the car accident that left me differently-abled.  I am grateful to be walking and that, once my hair grew back in, I was not left with visible scars but I do live with limitations; both physical and cognitive.  Which brings me to what I want to discuss in this series of posts:  I say I have a relationship with Jesus…why then am I not healed?

2 Corinthians 1: 20 says, “For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ.  And so through Him the “Amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God”.  There are many promises of healing I could quote from both the Old and New Testaments but, for the sake of brevity, I’m going to focus on Exodus 15: 26 which states, “If you listen carefully to the Lord your God and do what is right in His eyes, if you pay attention to His commands and keep all His decrees, I will not bring on you any of the diseases I brought on the Egyptians, for I am the Lord who heals you.”  If He is the Lord who heals me and this promise is “yes” in Jesus, then I should be able to expect healing, right?

And, it does seem Exodus lays out the rules for receiving healing.  IF I pay attention to His commands and keep all His decrees, THEN He will heal me.  I have attempted to pay attention to His commands and keep all His decrees.  I attended churches (not forsaking the assembling like Hebrews 10:25 says!) and attempted to do what they told me to do.  I read my bible, attended multiple services per week, and devoted time to prayer.  Then, I would miss a day of reading or a prayer time. Since I could not do these simple things on a regular basis, how could I expect God to heal me? 

I sought healing through biblical methods.  I had hands laid on me, was anointed with oil, stood in healing lines, and was prayed over.  One traveling evangelist insisted that if he laid hands on me I WOULD be healed so I imagine my disappointment when he did so and I was not.  Of course then the fault was mine because “a double-minded person is unstable in all they do” and “such a person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord” (James 1: 8 and 7) so my still being in pain caused me to doubt which meant I didn’t really trust God and didn’t have any faith so He could not heal me. I had these things said to me.

Then I realized that, if I was following the rule laid down in Exodus, all I had to do was pay attention to His commands and keep His decrees.  What simplicity!  Jesus only left me with one: “Love one another.  As I have loved you, so you must love one another.”  (John 13:34)  Well, has anyone else tried this?  Have you found it as difficult a command to keep as I have?  Failure after failure after failure.  No wonder I didn’t have my healing!  How could God heal someone who so consistently fell short of His standards of behavior?!

Have any of you been subjected to this?  If you have, know I empathize with you.  I have been trapped in this never-ending cycle of just not being good enough to please God and finally receive of His promises.  I was already tired from the effects of the car accident and all this striving only made me more so.  Then, I had a life crisis so devastating I was certain I could not and never had heard from God.  I had failed Him so completely I should just curl up and die so He could send me to hell and get it over with.  It was in this place that I met God!  The living God.  The gentle, loving Father who so desired a relationship with me, He sent Jesus into my darkness and death to get me and bring me out.  (John 3:16 and especially 17!, John 17: 3, Ephesians 2: 4-7)

My feet were set on a new path and I began to get to know The Father.  I do not say the path has been easy.  In fact, it felt like the moment my Father began to show me who He was, the floodgates of hell were opened in my life.  Even though…through every devastating circumstance, my Father has revealed a little more of Himself to me and I have been filled with awe and wonder.

But still I struggled with limitations from the car accident and, as the years went by, I developed other health problems.  I prayed about them, tried to “Amen” all the promises of God, and received no miraculous healing.  I ended up having a major surgery and afterwards had the opportunity to speak with a close friend.  I told her how I had prayed leading up the surgery-that I would be spared having to go through it-and how the answer I had received had been “no”.  I told my friend that, while I could accept the no, I had expected things to be different.  It had been years since I’d come to know The Father in a new way and I’d expected I would level up somehow: like in a spiritual video game. 

We both laughed at that but, after hanging up with her, I continued to think about it.  That had been my expectation: that with greater understanding came greater blessings.  Wasn’t that the rule?  Within a few months of this conversation, I had to have another minor procedure.  I threw up my spiritual hands.  Whatever the secret was, I clearly had not discovered it.

Again, while a painful place to be, it is not a bad place to be.  It has been my experience over the last seventeen years that these valleys of deepest darkness are where my Father’s light shines brightest.  And so it proved.

To be continued…

Bible verses are quoted from the New International Version