Category Archives: Personal Essays

Take the Next Step

27 Monday May 2024

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In the sixth chapter of Ephesians, the Apostle Paul describes the Whole Armor of God.  In verse 14, we read; “Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth…”  The truth with which we gird our waists is Jesus Christ Himself and I’ve spent the last few weeks thinking about how the truth He is manifests in our lives.

I had a minor surgical procedure last week.  It was minor but did still require a few days recovery so I had no opportunity to complete the study I had planned.  I thought about skipping this week’s post but I have been pondering truth over the last several days so thought I would share some of my conclusions. 

I have been thinking of the truth that is Jesus Christ in terms of healing.  If there is one subject I wish I understood, it is the healing that is supposedly ours in Christ Jesus.  I say “supposedly” because I look for my healing to be manifested in my body to no avail.  I am now going through my third round of tests and it is looking like another surgery is in my near future.  I would love for all of my health problems to miraculously go away and would especially love to never have surgery again.  But, that doesn’t appear to be how the Holy Spirit is at work in my body.

There is a passage in Isaiah 53:5 which I have heard often quoted as proof that our healing is found in Jesus: “But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; The chastisement of our peace was upon Him, And by His stripes we are healed.”  This passage does seem to be straight forward: by His stripes we are healed.  What is the answer then, if we are not healed?  Even as I sit and write this, I am in so much pain it takes my breath away.  What is the truth of Jesus Christ in the midst of my circumstances right now?  What is the truth about healing when everything I feel at this moment tells me I am not at all healed?

I have to say, I don’t have an answer. 

There is so much I don’t understand.  My family and I subscribe to the Guideposts and I have read a couple of different stories by the same woman.  This woman lived the majority of her life with painful growths on her face.  She endured pain and shame and multiple procedures only to have the growths come back until the day came she experienced a miraculous healing.  You’d think that would be the end of it but the latest story this woman shared was about experiencing an entirely new health problem that had her shuttling from one waiting room to another as various doctors conducted tests.  She doesn’t understand why she was healed then and not now but her eyes were opened to see her fellow human beings sitting with her in the waiting room.  She began to wonder about them and their suffering and asked for ways to touch their lives which is a prayer God answered.

I have only had one experience of miraculous healing.  My right arm was damaged in my car accident and so my left arm has had to compensate a great deal over the years.  A few years ago, I had burning pain in the muscles of my left side.  The pain reached from my collarbone all the way to my hip and any movement of my left arm caused considerable agony.  With both arms out of commission, I was looking at a severe diminishment of what mobility I had left.  During this time, I felt it was important to be part of an online prayer group.  I wasn’t sure why but I chose to be obedient to what I believed the Holy Spirit was telling me.  I had attended for days wondering what in the world I was doing when, one afternoon, the host of the prayer group stopped his prayer and began praying for healing.  He prayed for another person who shared my name and then prayed for healing for all disabled people.  At that moment, the pain melted out of my collarbone and shoulder, down my left side, and out of my body.  It has never returned.

I did not experience any healing in my right arm.  None of the other injuries resulting from my car accident were healed at that same time.  Later that year, I had my second surgery and I am now looking at a third.  Why?  Why heal the pain in my left arm and not anything else?  Why heal that woman’s growths and yet not heal whatever health situation she is now experiencing?  I don’t know.

I do know the Greek word aletheia which is translated as “truth” means truth, sometimes faithfulness.  Aletheia is related to alethes which means true, sincere, real, correct, faithful, trustworthy, genuine, and veracious.  I know all of these words are an accurate description of Jesus Christ who does not ever leave us or forsake us.  I know He is with us, inside of our circumstances, experiencing them with us, no matter what our circumstances might be.

His presence is with me through all of this in a tangible way.  As I said, there is so much I don’t understand-especially about healing-but I have experienced Jesus Christ as my very life enough to know that He is with me no matter what I have to go through.  I trust His revelation to Isaiah is still true today and pertains to me: by His stripes I am healed. I trust Him enough that I don’t have any expectations as to what healing looks like.  I know what I would prefer but, if it comes to another surgery, I know I won’t go through it alone.

I don’t have an answer on how to receive your healing from God.  I wish I did.  What I do have is an unshakable conviction that Jesus Christ dwells in each one of us going through our circumstances with us and has made a way through them for each of us.  With this in mind, I’ll close with a story from last week’s procedure.

I mentioned the story from the Guideposts and how the woman began to seek for ways to reach those sharing the waiting room with her.  I had that in mind as I entered a waiting room of my own.  There was an exchange of smiles but no opening for starting a conversation with anyone.  I wasn’t in the waiting room long before an administrator called me aside and said my surgeon had been called away on an emergency.  They could either reschedule my procedure or I could wait two hours on the chance the surgeon would be able to return.

Now, anyone who has undergone surgery knows the truly unpleasant preparation required the day before.  I had made it through hours of unpleasant prep.  I had been hours with no food or drink.  The last thing I wanted to do was reschedule and have to undergo all of it again.  Plus, there was a timing issue.  I needed to get this surgery out of the way because I already had Doctor’s appointments scheduled for an entirely different health problem I was certain would result in another surgery and I wanted to put as much time between undergoing anesthetic as possible.  I elected to wait.

I wasn’t kept in the waiting room long.  The nurses came to get me and brought me to a curtained off section of room where I got to change into the oh-so-comfortable gown and hair net.  They prepped me as much as they could but I did have a two and a half hour wait before they knew for certain my procedure was going to go forward.  I was uncomfortable.  It was not easy to find a position on the narrow bed where I was not in pain. I also knew I had a choice.

I could hear the nurses making calls to all of the patients scheduled after me.  I could hear them apologizing for a situation that was entirely out of everyone’s control.  I could hear how stressed out they were as they asked each other if anyone had heard from the surgeon and knew what was going to happen.  I was a bit stressed myself.  My family had their own appointments they needed to keep that day and I couldn’t know whether my decision to wait was the correct one.  ‘What if” questions kept turning over in my mind and I didn’t have answers.  I did know I wasn’t alone and I chose to trust whatever was happening affected us both and would be turned to my benefit.  I did not have to add to the nurses’ stress with questions or complaints of my own.  I relaxed as much as I could under the warm blankets the nurses gave me and trusted God loved me and would take care of me.

He did.  I came through the procedure with no problems.  I had no nausea from the anesthetic which I have to say is a miracle.  The delay meant the timing of the day was perfect.  My family received the call that I was finished just as they were wrapping up their own appointments so they didn’t have to be stressed out either.

I would of course prefer all my of my health problems would just go away.  And yet, I have another experience of the God who is love carrying me through a difficult circumstance.  I have another Doctor’s appointment tomorrow and I face it without fear because I know that, whatever happens, God loves me and will take care of me.

That is the truth I know.  Maybe you are in a situation where you need a miracle-whether healing or something else-but you aren’t seeing it.  I don’t have an answer for you.  I wish I did.  What I do know is our God is closer to us than our very breath.  He dwells inside of us and there isn’t anything that happens to us that doesn’t also happen to Him.  He is on the inside of our circumstance and is not idle: He is working all things for our good.  Perhaps it will be the miracle we long for.  Perhaps it will be His presence during a recovery.  Whatever it is we face, He is faithful.  Let us trust Him and take the next step.

Unless noted otherwise, all Scriptures are quoted from The Holy Bible, New King James Version, Thomas Nelson Publishers, Nashville, Tennessee, 1982

References

Brown, Colin, The New International Dictionary of New Testament Theology, Volume 3, Regency Reference Library, Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, Michigan, 1967, 1971, Page 874

Strong, James, LL.D., S.T.D., The New Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible, Thomas Nelson Publishers, Nashville, Tennessee, 1990

A Time For Words

18 Monday Mar 2024

Posted by in Personal Essays, Studies, Whole Armor of God, Writing

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Welcome, All, to Renaissance Woman and the post that almost didn’t happen!

I did NOT feel like writing this week.  I love words but I find them utterly useless at times, especially when I am at my most vulnerable and emotions are raw.  Better to wait until the experience is over and it can be considered in a less emotional light.  There are few Christian teachers who speak of their experience while still going through it.  Most testimonies are after the fact, shared from the other side of the experience.  These testimonies-knowing how someone got through their experience-are valuable and I am grateful for those willing to share.  However, there are times where these same testimonies can feel like a dash of cold water.  I wonder if a testimony shouldn’t be the testifier crawling to the front of the room, screaming until he or she runs out of breath, and then stating, “But, in Christ…”

I am not on the other side of my experiences.  I have no idea what is going to happen in the upcoming days.  I don’t know what sort of situation I am going to walk into.  I can imagine them.  The last few weeks have provided enough fodder for my imagination recognize very real possibilities of ruination and despair looming on the horizon.  Will the clouds gathering be ones bringing storms and chaos or will they dissipate into nothing?  I don’t know.  I do know I do not face impending storms alone or unarmed.  I know Jesus Christ.  I have a past full of situations and experiences where He has proved Himself faithful.  Why then, do I still struggle?  Why have there been moments over these past weeks where I have dissolved into tears?

To answer that, I return to my recent study on obedience.  Hebrews 5:8 states that Jesus, “though He was a Son, yet He learned obedience by the things which He suffered.”  The Greek word translated as “obedience” in this passage means “attentive hearkening, compliance, submission, to listen attentively, to hear under as a subordinate, to heed or conform to command or authority”.  I think about Jesus having to learn to hear the voice of His Father.  I think about the words “compliance” and “submission” and I imagine Jesus having to choose to listen to what His Father was saying.  I think about the words “heed” and “conform” and I imagine Jesus having to not only hear and choose but then do those things the Father was saying.  God has not been silent in the things I have suffered over the past weeks.  My problem is He hasn’t been saying what I want to hear.  “Let this cup pass from me,” is my cry.  My Father’s answer is “no” and then He sends me Romans 5:1-5:

“Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.  And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope.”  “In the world you will have tribulation,” my Lord and Savior says, “but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world” (see John 16:33).  He also says “lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age” (see Matthew 28:20). 

This is not what I want to hear.  I am tired.  I am in pain.  I do not want to glory in any tribulations.  I do not want perseverance or character produced in me.  I want Him to make all my difficulties go away.  The fact that His answer is “I will go with you,” means I still have to go through the difficulties and there have been moments where I have broken down and cried.  I am not ashamed of having done so because Jesus also cried.  Hebrews 5 speaks of the necessity of a high priest needing to “have compassion on those who are ignorant and going astray, since he himself is also subject to weakness.”  This chapter describes Jesus as “a priest forever according to the order of Melchizedek who, in the days of His flesh, when He had offered up prayers and supplications, with vehement cries and tears to Him who was able to save Him from death…” 

“Vehement cries and tears”.  I find that beautiful.  He does not scorn me for my having cried.  He knows tears.  He knows what it is like to receive a “no” from His Father.  He had to learn obedience.  And, being perfected, He is the author of eternal salvation to all who obey Him.  What does salvation look like in each specific difficulty?  I don’t know.  I don’t have any idea what Jesus is going to do and that is incredibly hard.  If He’d just tell me exactly how He was going to bring me through…

Exodus 14:13 says, “Stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord.”  Moses speaks these words when the Israelites find themselves in dire straits.  Death is certain whether at the hands of the Egyptians or in the depths of the sea.  Did any one of them imagine the waters of the sea would part for them?  The scriptures certainly appears to answer with a resounding “no!”  Did Daniel expect an angel would come and shut the mouths of the ravening lions?  This story is told from the king’s perspective and he certainly believed Daniel’s God could save him from the lions but the story makes it clear the king wasn’t sure if Daniel’s God would.  Daniel 6:18 describes the king spending the night sleepless and fasting and verse 20 records him asking, “…has your God, whom you serve continually, been able to deliver you from the lions?” 

I find a similar thought in the answer Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego gave to a different king.  Facing death (a fiery one this time), they say; “…our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and He will deliver us from your hand, O king.  But if not, let it be known to you, O king, that we do not serve your gods, nor will we worship the gold image which you have set up.”  These two stories show an unshakable belief in that God can deliver His people from any situation, but there is still the question of will He?  I would add what form can we expect that deliverance to take?

I do not expect to face death in the upcoming week so am not seeking to be dramatic.  I have the same questions though as I face difficulties that can’t be ignored.  I know our God is able to deliver me but will He and what form will that deliverance take?  I don’t know.  He doesn’t say.  His assurance is that He is with me. 

There has been another facet to my experiences I feel it’s important to address.  The enemy has not ceased his attacks during these times.  If anything, I feel as if they’ve intensified.  I cannot stress too often how the battlefield is in our minds.  The Accuser sought to bring me down using my own thoughts.  “Hath God said,” didn’t work because I know the Voice of my Shepherd and yes, He hath said indeed.  So, the enemy used another tack.  “We don’t deserve the love of God…” I had heard a Christian teacher say.  The enemy picked up on the word “deserve” and the onslaught began.  My thoughts were something like this: “You can’t expect deliverance.  In fact, you should expect bad things to happen to you because you’ve sinned in the past and your sins have hurt people.  The Bible says, ‘if you sow the wind, you will reap the whirlwind’ and that is what you should expect.  Oh, He will go with you certainly but He won’t deliver you because you don’t deserve it.”

The rest of the Christian teacher’s quote was “He loves us, not because we deserve it, but because He is love” which was something the enemy left out.  The only way to combat these attacks is with words and in these instances words are critical. “It is written!” was the battle tactic Jesus Himself used when facing the Adversary in the wilderness.  It is written, because I am in Christ I am a new creation: old things have passed away and behold! all things have become new.  Love keeps no record of wrongs.  As far as the east is from the west, is how far my transgressions have been removed from me. Nothing can separate me from His love.  Jesus was delivered up because of my offenses but was raised because of my justification.  I am justified by faith and have peace with God through my Lord Jesus Christ.

I still have no idea what the next days hold for me.  It could be storms and chaos or it could be the things I have feared never come upon me.  I know I am not alone.  I know He is Faithful and True.  I know He has promised never to leave nor forsake me.  I know He has promised there is nothing that can take me out of His hand.  I know that He will work everything for my good because I love Him and am called according to His purpose. I know I will emerge on the other side more conformed to His image than I am now.

I will close with this:  “I sought the Lord, and He heard me, And delivered me from all my fears.  They looked to Him and were radiant, And their faces were not ashamed.  This poor man cried out, and the Lord heard him, and saved him out of all his troubles.  The angel of the Lord encamps all around those who fear Him, and delivers them.  Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good; Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!” (Psalm 34:4-8).

Note: The passages quoted in my “It is written!” reply are 2 Corinthians 5:17, 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, Psalm 103:12, Romans 8:31-39, and Romans 4:25-5:1

Unless noted otherwise, all Scriptures are quoted from The Holy Bible, New King James Version, Thomas Nelson Publishers, Nashville, Tennessee, 1982

References

Strong, James, LL.D., S.T.D., The New Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible, Thomas Nelson Publishers, Nashville Tennessee, 1990

Knowing His Rest

05 Monday Dec 2022

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Hello and welcome to a new post on Renaissance Woman!

This post is going up on the blog a bit later than usual as I travelled to San Antonio for the weekend to take part in a retreat.  The Bishop of my church was going to do some teaching and then we were all going to celebrate his 70 years in the ministry!  The theme of the weekend was “A Living Rest” and it was as I was on my way back home I saw the truth of that illustrated.

I have not travelled on my own in almost twenty years.  And, any travelling I have done has been as a passenger in a vehicle.  I have not flown anywhere in all that time.  It so happened my family could not travel with me to the retreat and, if I wanted to go, I was going to have to go on my own.  I did consider staying home but decided I couldn’t be a coward, I was a grown adult, and my brain injury was not going to keep me home.  It did not and, though I did experience struggles, everyone I asked for help was so incredibly nice and I got to where I needed to go with all my questions answered.

I had a marvelous time but was definitely ready to get home.  It was as I waited for my return flight that I sat in the airport watching the day grow darker and darker as the fog settled in.  I occasionally glanced at the board to see if the fog would be enough to cancel my flight but there was never a change in status.  Despite the thickening fog, my flight remained on time.

The day was still foggy and damp by the time I boarded my plane and took my window seat but the pilot and flight attendants made their announcements and the flight attendants made their final checks.  The pilots began taxiing away from the terminal.

I was enjoying watching it all through the window: the different colored lights, the way the pilots so easily maneuvered that massive plane away from the terminal and onto the runway.  A gray fog still hung over the other planes and various buildings and I could only continue to watch as the pilots fired up the engines and took off, apparently unperturbed by the fog. 

Then, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.  My seat was directly over the wing and I could easily see one of the engines outside my window.  As the plane rose into the air, the engine was all I could see.  Anything else including the ground from which we were pulling away, was obliterated from sight by thick fog. 

I was certain the pilots couldn’t be relying on their own sight: they couldn’t be able to distinguish anything more than I could.  No doubt they had to be relying on their instruments which must be so sophisticated that they render human eyesight unnecessary.  The pilots must have implicit trust, not only in their training but in their instruments, that taking off into a blinding fog wasn’t worth a second thought.

As for me, I was in control of nothing.  Lift off or cancellation, none of it was my choice.  All I could do was sit in my seat and trust the pilots.  My trust was both in their abilities and in their trust in the capabilities of the aircraft.

That trust was not misplaced.  In only a few moments, the plane had ascended above the clouds themselves and there wasn’t a wisp of fog to be seen.  The sun was shining, the sky was blue, and I was on my way home.  As I looked out at the clouds spread out as far as my eye could see and lit by the sun, I saw illustrated what I had learned at the retreat.

A close translation of Galatians 2:20 is, “I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith of the Son of God, the One loving me and giving Himself over on my behalf.” (See the Literal, King James, and Greek Interlinear)  I’ve mentioned it before but it fascinates me that the Greek tou, which is not 3588 in the Strong’s Concordance but 5120, appears three times in this passage and is translated “in”, “of”, and “the (One)”. 

It may seem like splitting hairs but I find there is a massive difference between living my life by faith in the Son of God and living by faith of the Son of God.  Within the context of my illustration, I could have freaked out, gripped the armrests of my seat, and said over and over, “I have faith in the pilots, I have faith in the plane, I have faith that weird noise I heard doesn’t mean the engine is about to fly off this wing.”  Or, I could do as I did and rest in my seat, marveling that the fog was no deterrent to their taking off and knowing that as long as the pilots and flight attendants remained calm, there was no reason for me not to do so.  I suppose I could say my faith was “in” them but it wasn’t, not really.  My faith was their faith and I could enjoy the takeoff in perfect rest because the pilots and flight attendants knew what I did not and the pilots could see what I could not.

One of my Bible Teachers shares a similar illustration.  He was on a flight that began to experience turbulence and was getting nervous but then saw the flight attendant in her seat scrolling through her phone, unfazed by being bounced around.  I see exactly what he is saying as we encountered turbulence coming into Denver.  I looked around to see the cabin shifting back and forth and could feel the plane bump and jerk.  I looked out to see the wing raising and lowering and realized the pilots weren’t fighting the turbulence but were-quite literally-rolling with it.  One of the flight attendants then announced that while we were experiencing some turbulence, it was quite normal to do so coming into Denver.  Again, I could rest in their experience and knowledge.

Jesus Himself is my living rest.  Jesus is my forerunner (Hebrews 6:20).  He is the One who is far above all principality and power and might and dominion and every name that is named (Ephesians 1:21).  He declares the end from the beginning and from ancient times things that are not yet done (Isaiah 46:10).  My faith is His faith made a reality in me through the indwelling of His Spirit.  There are so many times I am following the leading of the Spirit and yet fog settles into the situation and I cannot see the outcome.  Lift off or cancellation?  The result is entirely out of my control.  Yet I rest.  I rest in Jesus Christ who has overcome the world.  I rest in the certainty that He sees what I cannot.

Just one more observation before I close: once the plane was above the clouds, it appeared as if we were hovering.  I knew that wasn’t possible and that the plane was travelling at hundreds maybe thousands of miles per hour. (I have since Googled it and found the average airspeed of a 747 is 550mph).  And so, even though I looked as though we weren’t moving at all, I knew that wasn’t the truth.

I have these times in my Christian life as well.  My vision is not obscured: the sun is shining and the sky is blue.  And yet I looks to me as if I am not making any progress at all.  Here too, my faith is the faith of Jesus Christ.  Because He is in me and I am in Him, I share His Oneness with the Father who has created me in Christ Jesus for good works which He prepared beforehand so that I would walk in them (See Ephesians 2:10).  Not only that, but I know His word is true and that He who has begun a good work in me will continue to perfect and complete it until the Day of Christ Jesus (Philippians 1:6).  It doesn’t matter how it may appear to me for I am in the current of the Holy Spirit and we are ever pressing on towards the goal.

Jesus Christ is the perfect gift given by the Father for the world.  I in Him and Him in me I find not only my very life but a perfect living rest.

Praise His name!  Hallelujah!  Hallelujah!

Amen.

References

Galatians 2:20 Interlinear: with Christ I have been crucified, and live no more do I, and Christ doth live in me; and that which I now live in the flesh — in the faith I live of the Son of God, who did love me and did give himself for me; (biblehub.com)

Green, Jay P., The Interlinear Bible: Hebrew Greek English, Volume 4, Authors for Christ, Inc., Lafayette, Indiana, 1985

Marshall, Reverend A., The Interlinear Greek-English New Testament, Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, Michigan, 1958,1970

Strong, James, LL.D., S.T.D., The New Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible, Thomas Nelson Publishers, Nashville, Tennessee, 1990

My Feet Are on the Rock

08 Monday Aug 2022

Posted by in Isaiah 45:7, Personal Essays, Studies, Writing

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Happy Monday and welcome to another post on Renaissance Woman.

Does anyone remember the poem The Blind Men and the Elephant by John Godfrey Saxe?  It’s a poem about six blind men who seek out an elephant so that, by observation, they might understand the creature.  Each of the six men encounter a different part of the elephant and liken it to something familiar: a wall, a snake, a fan, etc.  The last stanza of the poem states, “So, oft in theologic wars/The disputants, I ween/Rail on in utter ignorance/Of what each other mean/And prate about an Elephant/Not one of them has seen!”

Last week I posted on the Hebrew letters that comprise Shin ש and how I’ve come across two schools of thought on that.  One is that the letter is comprised of Vavs and Yods and the other is that the letter is a Yod, a Vav, and a Zayin.  Which is correct?  I don’t care one way or the other because, as I followed both paths, I found myself in the same place: 3 Vavs and 4 Yods give me the number 7 which is Spiritual Perfection and the number of the Zayin is 7 which is Spiritual Perfection.  I found value in looking at both but the study did get me thinking.   

I cannot count how many times over the past weeks and months I’ve heard believers of various denominations stress the importance of “sound doctrine.”  I have found “that’s not sound doctrine” is used as the final hammer strike on the last nail in the coffin of another person’s argument but there are times when the speaker will explain just what they believe sound doctrine to be.  I listen and sometimes agree and other times disagree.  This made me wonder, just who decides what “sound doctrine” is?  I see one denomination convinced what they teach is the soundest doctrine of all unlike this denomination whose teachings are based on false interpretations of scripture and definitely not like this other denomination whose teachings are a delusion of Satan.  I must infer then, that by “sound doctrine” what they actually mean is, “what our denomination teaches.”

What is doctrine?  The definition of the word is, “something taught, teachings, something taught as the principles or creed of a religion, political party, etc.; tenet or tenets; belief; dogma, a rule, theory, or principle of law.”  There is nothing in this definition that suggests a personal knowing and relationship is necessary.  Such is also what I find in those insisting everyone have sound doctrine: there is only a rare mention of knowing God for yourself.  I am not concerned with sound doctrine.  I am concerned with knowing the Father because knowing Him and knowing Jesus Christ is the very definition of eternal life.  “And this is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent” (John 17:3). 

I recently read a book called Evidence Not Seen by Darlene Deibler Rose.  When the author married her first husband, Rev. C. Russell Deibler, she and her husband both knew they were called to the Mission Field and, specifically, the Philippines.  Mrs. Deibler was several years younger than her husband and had just graduated from school.  She relates in her book that, before the Church would allow her to accompany her husband to the Philippines, they tested her in doctrine and theology.  She passed the tests and was allowed to go.  While in the Philippines, World War II broke out and Japan took over the islands.  Mrs. Deibler and her husband were interred in separate camps where her husband died.  Mrs. Deibler spent four years in various camps and I was struck by how it was not doctrine or theology that sustained her: it was the vitality of her relationship with Jesus Christ.  Mrs. Deibler-Rose writes, “Experientially, I was learning to understand the comfort of the Holy Spirit.  Sometime during the dark hours I slept.  The sword of sorrow had pierced deep within me, but He had bathed the sword in oil.”  

This book gave a graphic picture of the difference between having doctrine-which is by definition a lifeless thing-and having a vital relationship with the Living God.  To me, those quibbling over whether or not someone’s doctrine is sound are like the blind men quibbling over the elephant.  Not one of them was wrong per se but neither were any of them correct.  Not one of them had fully seen. 

There is a passage in Colossians I’ve been meditating on for some time: “Let no one cheat you of your reward, taking delight in false humility and worship of angels, intruding into those things which he has not seen, vainly puffed up by his fleshly mind, and not holding fast to the Head, from whom all the body, nourished and knit together by joints and ligaments, grows with the increase that is from God” (Colossians 2:18-19).  Our reward is Christ Jesus.  He is our very Life.  In Him, we are made one with the Father.  Everything the Father has belongs to Jesus.  Everything Jesus has is ours because His Spirit lives within us and declares it to us.  (See John 16:13-15)

I know this not only because the Bible tells me so but because I KNOW HIM!  He is real!  He is alive!  He is alive in me right now!  This is not something reserved for the future.  It is not something I earn if I follow Jesus’ example and live a moral life.  He freely gives Himself to me, teaches me who He is, and brings me into relationship with Himself.  There is no substitute for knowing Him and this knowing is my litmus test.  I don’t compare what I hear from others with any doctrine: the Spirit within me guides me into all truth.  Jesus Himself is that absolute living truth and, as He has joined me to Himself, I am one spirit with Him.

Let none of us allow ourselves to be cheated of our reward by anyone who has not seen.  Let us hold fast to the Head who is Christ Jesus.  Let us test everything and hold fast to what is true.  “Therefore, leaving the discussion of the elementary principles of Christ, let us go on to perfection…” and, finally, let us “no longer be children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine by the trickery of men in the cunning craftiness of deceitful plotting, but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head-Christ…” (Hebrews 6:1, Ephesians 4:15)

Amen.

All Scriptures are quoted from The Holy Bible, New King James Version, Thomas Nelson Publishers, Nashville, Tennessee, 1982

References

The poems of John Godfrey Saxe/The Blind Men and the Elephant – Wikisource, the free online library

Guralnik, David B., Webster’s New World Dictionary of the American Language, Second College Edition, Williams Collins + World Publishing Co., Inc., Cleveland • New York, 1970, 1974

Rose, Darlene Deibler, Evidence Not Seen: A Woman’s Miraculous Faith in the Jungles of World War II, A Ruth Graham Dienert Book, Harper San Francisco, Harper Collins Publishers, New York, New York, 1988

In the Midst

23 Monday May 2022

Posted by in Isaiah 45:7, Personal Essays, Studies, Walking in the Way, Writing

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My Dad called them “God’s Calling Cards.”  He meant those instances in our lives that are attributed to coincidence but, when seen through the lens of us living and moving and having our being in Jesus Christ; are recognized as God’s Calling Cards.

I have had these little coincidences on my mind over the last few weeks and was discussing them with a co-worker when I remembered my Dad’s term for them.  I’ve continued to meditate on them and have been looking at them in terms of my study on darkness.

But first, some context for these Calling Cards.  I am now recovering from surgery-less than four years after my last one-to remove yet another tumor.  The particular path I’m on started in 2017 when my Primary Care Physician found a lump in my breast.  No doubt a cyst fueled by hormones but it still needed to be looked at.  I started praying immediately.  I know Jesus bore all my sicknesses and iniquities so of course I was healed.  Except I wasn’t.  I was referred to a specialist who ran tests and said the lump didn’t look right which led to another referral and a biopsy.  I then had to wait for the results of that biopsy and I spent days wondering “what if?”  Would it be benign or did I have the C-word?  I wrote about this in my post Just a Butterfly and I will include a link at the bottom of this post in case anyone is interested in reading it.

I didn’t have to have this lump surgically removed but it did seem to be a catalyst for a cascade of tests and procedures culminating in the major surgery in December of 2018.  I had fought for years to avoid it.  I’d tried diet, exercise, prayer…nothing worked.  Once more my concerned PCP referred me to a specialist who was also a surgeon and who ended up removing thirteen fibroids from my abdomen.  It was both a devastating surgery and yet a blessing because I was freed from quite a bit of pain.  I began walking the road to recovery whilst also striving to understand, where was God in all of this?  Where was my healing?  If I’m to expect results when I pray, what results should I be expecting? 

I was sure that surgery in 2018 would be my last.  Then only a year later another growth appeared in a different part of my body.  It also ended up being benign and the procedure to remove it was relatively minor.  Just a snip and a couple days recovery but it did concern me.  This growth could not be attributed to hormone imbalance or endometriosis.  Was my body randomly growing tumors?  What if one grew in my brain?  Was there anything I could do to stop them?

And then, I began experiencing weird pain in my abdomen.  Once more, my concerned PCP sent me for a test then referred me to a specialist who took another test and then went “hmm…that doesn’t look right” and referred me to an Oncologist.  Once more, I’ve had surgery to remove a rather large tumor-or endometrial lesion-and once more I am grateful the growth is benign.  I am again walking the road to recovery but I will say this time it is different.  I do not wonder where God is in all of this: I have seen Him in a series of coincidences.

I intended to discuss my weird pain with my Doctor at an appointment in January of this year but then I contracted the ‘rona and had to postpone.  The earliest I could get was June.  No big deal.  I was sure it was nothing serious.  Then my Doctor’s office called and confirmed my appointment in March.  I didn’t have an appointment in March.  There had to be a cancellation and I had to be penciled in but no one called me to ask if I was available: they called to confirm. The appointment was scheduled for the next day and I had no conflict so I went.  I ended up having a CT scan that afternoon which put me on the referral and tests path I’ve already mentioned.  I met with the Oncologist on a Friday and was scheduled for surgery the following Monday.  I write this two weeks into my recovery and I can’t help but think of all the things that just happened to fall into place so that I am on the road to recovery a full month before that June appointment. 

There has not been a moment when I have not known God with me.  I don’t do well with surgery.  Anesthesia is not my friend and recovery is difficult for me.  Recovery from this last surgery was especially difficult and I ended up having to spend an extra day in the hospital.  This was hard news to take and I had a moment where I thought I might tear out my IV and run screaming.  Or shuffle screaming, as the incision made running impossible.  I clung to God in that moment and knew He was with me.  I was not only aware of His presence but felt His touch in the hands of my care-givers.  I don’t know anything personal about anyone who nursed me: I do know that each person who cared for me showed me kindness, gentleness, and the true meaning of ministry which is to serve. 

What do I expect from God?  He has not come crashing into any of these situations, snapped His fingers, and made any of these growths disappear.  He has not delivered me unless you count sixteen separate growths-not counting moles removed-and not one of them being cancerous as deliverance.  He has not spared me trials on top of the pain and issues I deal with from the car accident.  What He has done is knit Himself to me in the midst of these situations and made me so aware of His presence that I’ve gone through them without fear.  I have not been a paragon of faith:  I may have begged a bit when it became clear I wasn’t going to get to go home but even then, He was with me.  He was faithful every moment.

Faithful every moment.  That is what I see in this study of darkness.  The Hebrew letters spelling darkness-Chet, Shin, and Caph-reveal to me a picture of the God who is Love with me every moment.  Even when it feels the circumstances of my life are chewing me up and spitting me out (Shin), there is nothing I go through alone.  He is not hidden from me nor I from Him but He holds me in the palm of His hand (Caph).  I am not only held but His Spirit is poured out on me and in me and His life is knit to mine (Chet).  I’ve started looking deeper into the word bara which is translated “create” and one of my Teachers told me bara meant “to fill”.  I am looking deeper into that but find that definition beautiful.  He fills my darkness with Himself.

My study of darkness brought me to Psalm 18 and verse 11 in particular. My NKJV begins this verse as, “He made darkness His secret place.”  The New Living says “He shrouded Himself in darkness” and the English Standard Version has, “He made darkness His covering”.  I wondered about this verse because, at first glance, it did seem to be saying that God hides Himself in darkness which didn’t make much sense.  Once I’d looked a little further into the meaning of darkness, looked into the context of the Psalm, and discussed it with two of my Teachers, this passage became so wonderfully clear.  My Bible places this Psalm within the time period of King David’s fleeing from King Saul.  Reading through the Psalm, I can see David was not having a pleasant time: the pangs of death and sorrows of Sheol surround him.  His enemies are too strong for him, he is hated, and he refers to “his day of calamity”.  He is in darkness.

But!  The Lord God comes with darkness under His feet!  He made the darkness His secret place, He fills it, and His brilliance destroys it from within.  The Lord lights the lamp and enlightens the darkness.  I am reminded of what I shared two weeks ago that the eye is referred to as a lamp in the NT.  It is as the eyes of our understanding are enlightened and made single by the Holy Spirit-and the Greek carries the idea of being braided with-that He enlightens our darkness.  This Psalm in particular stayed with me because, throughout this entire process, I could see the truth written in this beautiful Psalm: God armed me with strength, He set me in a broad path, and He upheld me.  Even when I didn’t fully understand why things were happening the way they were, He filled every moment with Himself.

I have “what if” thoughts: I can’t help that.  All I can do is answer every “what if” with the truth “God is with me.”  I mentioned having to stay an extra night in the hospital.  I’d been told my stay would be one night only so, when I couldn’t stop being ill and had to stay that extra night, I panicked a little.  I am a disabled person with no disability benefits (which is a long story in itself) and I only work part time.  On top of dealing with the physical difficulties, I worried about the cost of that extra night, what my insurance would do, and what bills might be coming my way, etc.  A couple of days after being released, I received a letter from my insurance.  The surgeon had submitted me for two days stay and my insurance had approved it.  It’s such a small thing but it’s another one of those little coincidences.  Here I was panicking and feeling like a failure.  If willpower was any sort of power at all, I’d have been able to get better and would never have stayed that extra night.  All I could do was trust that He was bigger than even this and then the letter arrived showing me it had all been taken care of before the surgery began. 

Truly, the Lord Jesus Christ Himself goes before me and is with me.  He never leaves me nor forsakes me.  There is never a circumstance that discourages me or fills me with fear (See Deuteronomy 31: 8, Isaiah 45:2).  He fills not only the darkness but all things (Ephesians 4:10).  In Him I live and move and have my being and, because He lives and lives in me; I can face tomorrow and whatever else might come. 

Hallelujah!  Hallelujah!  Amen.

Just a Butterfly

Unless noted otherwise, all scriptures are quoted from The New King James Version of The Holy Bible, Thomas Nelson, Inc., Nashville, Tennessee, 1982

References

Bentorah, Chaim, Hebrew Word Study: Beyond the Lexicon, Trafford Publishing, 2014, Pages 92, 108, 148

Haralick, Robert M., The Inner Meaning of the Hebrew Letters, Jason Aronson Inc., Northvale, New Jersey, 1995, Pages 113, 161, 293

choshek, “darkness,” strong’s H2822 (alittleperspective.com)

(2) “Darkness” in ancient Hebrew! (Part I) – YouTube

God’s Appointed Times: Aleph Tav Meaning (godsappointedtimes.com)